A Divorce Memoir

 

An acquaintance of mine is sharing her story on this blog and in a memoir she wrote during the pandemic. She felt compelled to write her story after a friend made a glib remark about Amy's past marriage.

Amy, by this time, never talked about her previous marriage and that her friend would bring it up so many years later shocked her.

"She could never know the depth of what I went through." Amy shared. "It is sad that she has framed me as that crumpled bride I was so many years ago. I am not that woman."

So Amy decided it was time to write her story knowing fullwell the friend would never read it, but should anyone read it, she could possibly feel valildated.

Perhaps you will support her by reading her blog or buying her book available in digital form on Amazon.

What story do you have to tell? Have you written your story into a blog or ebook? Have you shared it on social media or with a professional therapist? Is it time to share those details?

Are You in a Midlife Rut?

Are you a Christian woman who loves God but feels stuck in a rut where your personal life is concerned? 

I completely understand the concept of a Christian woman experiencing a midlife crisis. When she was younger, she had her whole life ahead of her. However, as she enters midlife, lots of changes have occurred. 

Some mothers are ready to move on, but their teenage children still need them. I ran the van shuttles, helped shop for prom and grad dresses, drove my daughter to dance classes and son to band practices, arranged for the inlaws to fly in and stay with us in time for my daughter's high school graduation and undertook the prep work for moving our home that would happen a few weeks later. I was busy. But I hadn't moved on in life yet. I dreamt that the upcoming move would solve the answer to my midlife query of what to do with myself in my next life stage that would be fulfilling--where I'd be seen, heard, acknowledged and, perhaps,  paid what I'm worth. 

I trusted God's timing and knew God had ordained our last move. But after our move, I still had to organize the new house, settle each kid into university dorms and run to fetch the kids or bring them groceries for another several years. I didn't just go off to work like many women do though I was able to sell content articles as a freelance writer and do part-time transcription work from home. Those ARE jobs, but in my mind, they were not ideal jobs. I didn't give myself credit due. And part of the reason was because I was still behind my own four walls. I even wrote under pen names. And, what I really needed was socialization to help me feel seen and valuable.    

Not all parents are as doting as I've been, but putting parenting first was a priority I couldn't shake. And in that role, though I knew it was where I needed to be, I felt hidden like a nobody.  

And I see now that over the years I was constantly fighting the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) and feeling life was passing me by. Yet, I really was living the life of my dreams.  

Accept Yourself 

Finally, I decided that striving to find a greater calling was a stronghold. Focusing on what I didn't have dragged me down more than uplifted me. I would be better off accepting the life God had spelled out for me and telling myself I was enough. 

I've thought of writing a book on acceptance because we are constantly bombarded by self-improvement advice that tells us to change and fix ourselves. But peace is found in noticing the good we carry out and accepting where God has placed us, not fighting it. 

Over time, I have learned to observe my body's behaviour in relation to eating, sleeping, energy, and enjoyment as I started getting more time for myself. As a result, I have created a routine that includes sleeping in, two-hour coffee time after waking with some reading and browsing the internet, followed by completing tasks and dedicating time to work on my passions.

I came to the realization that everything I dedicate my time to can be considered my job. By viewing my life as a calling, responsibility, and job, I am able to create a framework that allows me to better prioritize and focus on what needs to be done, and I am at peace. 

Walking Through Midlife as a Stay-At-Home Mom

Were You/Are You a Stay-At-Home Mom? How is Your Midlife Journey Going?

Your journey as a Christian midlife woman can be enriching and challenging, filled with achievements, moments of reflection, personal growth, and spiritual renewal. Some midlife women reach a pinnacle of career success in midlife. They're doing what they love to do.

For others, midlife can be filled with new emotional and physical challenges, questions, and doubts. I know because I've been there. I've walked through it.

My Midlife Journey

In midlife, I was an at-home mom looking for the next thing to do for myself beyond the home. Because my husband travelled for work and we took job transfers moving across the country a few times, we agreed it made sense for me to stay home to be the main caregiver of the children and maintainer of the household. It just made things a lot easier for us, myself included. And, it was where my heart was. I believe that's the choice God led me to.

By midlife, the children were reaching important milestones and, as a mother, I was happy to do my best to support them. However, I couldn't help but feel my world had become too small. I yearned for something new, but I was unsure what that might be.

I wasn't prepared to launch into a full-time job outside the home. I looked at part-time opportunities instead besides the office cleaning I did at my husband's business office and the newspaper delivery route I took over for my son who failed to do the work. I took those jobs to stay busy and earn a bit of money, but I felt pitiful doing them. I felt like a martyr. I cried often wondering if that was all God had for me.

Looking into new opportunities was an exercise in frustration. I looked at courses to take. I looked at various jobs advertised. I ended up confused and lost.

The journey was very different from looking for work as a twenty-something-year-old. I encountered ageism or whatever you might call it. By then, I was in my mid-forties. During one interview, the interviewer made a sarcastic remark about my work experience saying "But that was ten years ago!"

The Calling and Cost of Being an At-Home Mom

Yes, at-home moms who choose the role as I did, do end up in a bit of a quagmire later on. They want to be seen, heard, and paid for their intellect just as anyone does.

I had a friend who became an at-home mother for a few years before heading back to the workforce. She said her return to work was based on a desire for mental stimulation. I get it. I don't blame her. She had credentials for more and bigger as a professional engineer.

I'd tasted and seen the benefits of being in the paid workforce before I had children. I missed the camaraderie, the pay, and the feeling that I'd spent my day well. Just before the birth of my first child, I'd promised myself to never quit working. So that promise became a stronghold that was hard to shake loose from for years--another cause of midlife restlessness. I felt I'd betrayed my promise to myself. But there were the children to consider. And they got out of school at 2:30. I didn't want them to be latch-key children left on their own.

But just as my friend expressed, I had a desire for greater mental stimulation too. That became the root of my restlessness for many years. I begged God for the right fit - a fulfilling part-time job that would allow me to be home in time for my children's care - because my family responsibilities would always come first. It's how I am wired.

Finally, at one point, I was hired for a job from 10 am to 2 pm as an Administrative Specialist. They offered me such low pay, it was a joke. On the surface, it seemed obvious I should take it though and perhaps work my way back into the workforce. And though there was a check in my spirit, I went ahead with it.

I won't get into it all here but enough to say I hated it and quit after 8 months. I guess I learned what I needed to learn, but it was mostly a negative experience. It was not fulfilling. And since my husband was at work all day and the children at school, neither would appreciate my efforts or see me dressed up in my work clothes.

2 Chronicles 15:7  But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”

The Bind an At-Home Mom Finds Herself In

The at-home midlife mom will never fully be valued by anyone else besides her children and God. And some moms will question whether they'd chosen well to remain an at-home mom for so many years.

Second-guessing can be part of midlife life inquiry, but for women of God, it's more valuable to trust that God led her to the right path he wanted her to take whether it be for a season or long-term.

God is Faithful 

I will say that through all the years, fears, and doubts, God continued to take care of us and reward my husband with promotions and pay increases. It took time, but we prospered without a second big income from me. And, often, I have had to put to death my sorrow over not being paid what I feel I'm worth even later as a freelance writer. 

I've resigned myself to these thoughts:

1. Trust God has put me where I'm meant to be. 

2. Listen for nudges no matter how silly and follow them.

3. Doing God's work is in the little daily events, not always in jobs with titles and pay. 

4. Trust God to lead me forward day by day.

5. Deal with midlife physical issues as they arise finding the right support.

6. Be alert to outside voices or the enemy's voice that brings discontentment, accusations, or feelings of boredom.

7. Don't compare my life to anyone else's. 

8. Trust that God will say "Well done good and faithful servant" despite my career choice. 

9. The world changes and it's not my fault.

10. Instead of spending precious time comparing myself to others or feeling lowly, focus on my mission in life - to write, to love, to serve, to encourage, and to uplift others.

Things to do when you don't know what to do:

When you drive past a school, pray for its safety, and its students...

When you drive past a person on the street, pray for them.

When you greet a clerk, smile and be friendly.

When you see an opportunity to donate or give, do it.

Go for lots of walks.

Get out in nature.

Read good books.

Go for a massage.

Go for counselling, and if that's not needed, spend time with someone who cares.

Write your prayers to God. 

Take notes when you read encouraging messages. 

Encourage others on social media. 

Create art no matter how good or bad you are at it. 

Take your turn as a volunteer or feel free to say no it's not for me. 

 

Are you in Perimenopause?

I originally wrote this in 2010, but it's worth sharing now as more midlife women enter this life phase. 

Women between 35 & 51 (typically) may be considered to be in a "peri-menopausal" phase hormonally.   Just as puberty brings an onset of change that a young person goes through over three to five years, peri-menopause brings on changes too-- a reverse puberty if you will--that can last anywhere from ten to fifteen years.

The symptoms of perimenopause may include night sweats and/or daytime hot flashes, crashing fatigue, irritability, mood swings, crying spells, depression, weight gain, headaches, brain fog and trouble with memory or concentration.  The symptoms may come and go. 

It's evident that enduring these symptoms over years can be incredibly frustrating and can significantly impact the quality of life for any midlife woman. If you're experiencing the symptoms of perimenopause, know that you're not alone. As a woman in this life phase, it's crucial to prioritize self-care and protect your well-being

"I don't have a cure or remedy for peri-menopause, but it's important to note that if you're feeling off lately - experiencing emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical challenges - it might be related to your hormones. It may not have anything to do with your husband, job, kids, or church."

Remember to ask the Lord to open your eyes and show you what is happening inside you that needs your attention. Share your concerns with Him and inquire if you should take any new steps to take better care of yourself. Additionally, talk to your partner or family members about your struggles so that they can understand what may be affecting your mood.

Partner with other trusted women for advice. And take a day at a time as you navigate this journey most of us take. Feel free to ask for help. 

When Tears Don't Come

When Tears Don't Come

During midlife, I cried easily. I cried when I woke up depressed, sad, or worried. I cried as needed at other times, especially when bored or lonely. And crying often helped me feel better. Crying can trigger the release of endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals. This hormonal response can lead to an improved mood and a sense of emotional well-being after crying. 

Do you cry? Do you feel better after you do?

No Crying in Menopause

I'm beyond midlife and perimenopause now. I'm fully in menopause. I haven't been able to cry for a few years. I remember a woman at church telling me that she was also unable to cry, but I didn't really understand her until now. 

When I feel like I need to cry these days, I simply say to my husband, "I feel like crying." But no tears will come.

Apparently, some individuals find that, as they age, they develop increased emotional regulation (the ability to handle their feelings better) and resilience resulting in a reduced tendency to cry or express emotions outwardly, even when feeling like crying. That might be true for me, but a cry now and then would be okay too. I miss those cleansing tears that help me connect with myself.

Change is Constant

When it comes down to this new revelation on crying, it seems simply that change is part of a woman's life from the time she's born until she passes. Changes are something we navigate on the fly. We are all living life for the first time. And each phase requires we stay kind to ourselves acknowledging that changes in emotional expression are a natural part of life.

As always, there is a time and season for everything. Change is constant though sometimes so slow we don't see it happening. But kindness to ourselves is always something we can keep focused on with the strength of God's loving guidance.

Why Do I Have a Longing for More?

Artwork by Rosalie Garde

THE DEEP LONGING FOR MORE

In a recent post, I mentioned women have a deep longing for more and better. What is this deep longing about?  

I'd like to suggest the longing is really a desire for Jesus and heaven. It's a desire for perfect peace and happiness which isn't sustainable on earth.  That being said, the longing for more is a feeling wired into us from creation. It can be both good and bad. It depends on what our longing is for. 

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal" Matt 6:19 (NIV).

Longing for more things, can be a problem. The verse above tells us not to store up things. But longing for more can be good in that God has work for us to do. He has people for us to see, places for us to go, missions for us to carry out. It's good to not just sit and stay where we are. 

HOW TO FILL THE VOID

Filling the void--the longing for more--begins with acknowledging that you are on this earth for a higher purpose than serving yourself. It's not about you. You are simply an ambassador for God.   

If God has a perfect plan for your life, doesn't it make sense to look for it? 

I don't want to encourage you to spin your wheels stuck in discontentment while you search for new meaning you are sure is evading you. I don't want you to get caught up in trying to force something to happen just for the sake of experiencing a thrilling feeling. I don't want you stuck in a pattern of constant striving followed by disappointment. 

Life is more than charismatic spiritual highs, and trips to sunny climates. When life is in a lull, it doesn't mean something is missing. These lulls are simply part of life.

Ask God for the right balance

God won't make your life perfect and exciting all the time, but he will guide you into his plan if you ask him to lead you daily. Will you be content to live a day at a time?

When God is leading you, chances are, your life won't look like much of anything new is happening. That's how God works for most of us. We plod along until the next unusual moment occurs. 

Our part is to ask God to take authority over our time, choices, energy, and relationships and then to settle into that prayer. To trust he is at work. To trust we are right where he wants us. 

Ask God to lead you into whatever it is he wants you to do in a day. That could mean asking him where to go online, what boundaries to set, where to take a walk, what chores to do, who to text, phone or interact with. 

God rarely shows us the big long-term picture. Even if he does, that big picture is worked out in small steps. Patience is required. Will you trust God to reveal what simple steps to need to take? 

I often pray:

"Lead me where you need me. Open my eyes to see what you need me to see. Open my ears to hear what you want me to hear. Grant me direction. I will listen for your nudges all day long." 

Midlife Crisis Challenges

 

In my eBook tailored for Christian Midlife Women, which is accessible on Amazon, I propose an alternative perspective to addressing midlife dilemmas. Rather than seeking to solve them outright, I encourage the idea of walking through them.

We don't disregard our feelings and say they don't matter. No, we acknowledge them. But we are mindful that this time of questioning and chaos is often a life phase affected by so many variables. Navigating a midlife crisis is not akin to a game of darts where you pinpoint the issue and eliminate it with a well-aimed throw.

Consider the situation where a woman blames her husband for her unhappiness and opts for divorce. It's like assigning blame for a puzzle's complexity to a single piece and discarding it, only to realize that the puzzle's intricacy remains unresolved.

While some women may believe that divorce is the key to their happiness, for instance, that idea is akin to trading a temporary sense of relief for a long-term cost. It's like exchanging a valuable possession for a fleeting satisfaction, only to discover that the true price includes not just emotional but financial impoverishment.

Yes, life is complex. It's not wise to blame your midlife crisis on only one cause.

I share this perspective because many women find themselves on a quest to discover a quick fix for their emotional turmoil.

A midlife woman might say, "If I can just find the right job..." or "If we lived in a bigger house..." or "If I had a different husband..." or "If I were only younger and slimmer..."

Women may attempt to alter their circumstances, making significant decisions that could potentially lead to regret later on.

Through my experiences, I've come to realize that the key may not necessarily lie in changing external circumstances but in transforming how we perceive and feel about them while also taking steps forward that are good for our well-being.

It's crucial to recognize that where we find ourselves when feeling in crisis is often a result of our choices. They might have been very good choices we felt led by God to make. They may be choices based on a sense of calling we had years prior. But in midlife, we begin to second-guess them. And it's easy to question God or even blame him for what feels like a suddenly depressing life.

If I could throw out a proverbial life vest to a woman who feels this way, it would be in the form of a suggestion. I would suggest she become curious about her thoughts and consider their roots, but before dissecting them, to reaffirm her trust that the same God who said he'd lead her has led her and is still leading her now.

For myself, God had led me to a couple of cross-country moves with my husband. We're both introverts and he travelled a lot so it was difficult for me to not feel lonely. I understand it better now that I've done research on my own personality style. At the time, though, my default was to have a depressing pity party.

Those moves we took we felt were led by God. Now, with new emotions rising to the top and experiencing perimenopause, God was leading me to take new steps.

God led me to do Internet research on the topic of Midlife Crisis. He led me to start writing the book pictured above. He led me to talk to my doctor about my depression. He led me to reach out to mental health therapists and life coaches. 

I didn't like the process much. I was scared of those depressed feelings. But they demanded I walk through them a step at a time. 

Today, as you're walking through midlife, can you pinpoint the feelings you're having? Why not list them. Read my book, talk to a professional or friend, and decide what challenges you're being called to walk through now. What might be your next step?

Positives of the Empty Nest

In this blog post, I cited many issues women in midlife deal with especially in the empty nest phase. In this post, I'd like to list some of the positives of this phase when a woman's mothering years change to more of a peer relationship with her adult children: 

Newfound Freedom: With children becoming more independent, women have the opportunity to explore new interests and hobbies, or even embark on personal adventures they may have put on hold.

Professional Reinvention: Career stagnation can be seen as an opportunity for reinvention. Midlife can be the perfect time to pursue new skills, take on different responsibilities, or even consider a career change.

Deeper Connections: Relationship changes may lead to deeper connections with partners, friends, and family. Open communication and shared experiences can strengthen bonds.

Embracing Self-Acceptance: Instead of focusing solely on physical changes, midlife offers a chance for self-acceptance and embracing the wisdom and experiences that come with age.

Clarity in Life Goals: The reevaluation of life goals can lead to a clearer sense of purpose and alignment with personal values. This can bring a sense of fulfillment and direction.

Personal Growth: The transition from caregiving roles allows women the opportunity for personal growth. Exploring new passions, learning, and self-development become possible.

Prioritizing Health and Well-being: Facing health concerns can be a catalyst for prioritizing well-being. Women may adopt healthier lifestyles, including better nutrition and regular exercise.

Rest: Embracing quiet moments and newfound freedom can allow them to indulge in restorative activities, nurturing their well-being and creating a space for personal rejuvenation.

Building New Social Circles: Social isolation can be an opportunity to build new social circles, fostering connections with like-minded individuals who share common interests.

Creating Fresh Challenges: Actively seeking out and creating new challenges can add excitement and purpose to life. This could involve pursuing hobbies, volunteering, or taking on new projects.

Spiritual Exploration: Instead of existential restlessness, midlife can be a time for spiritual exploration and finding deeper meaning. Practices like meditation or joining spiritual communities can provide solace.

Defying Societal Expectations: Breaking free from societal pressures allows women to embrace their authentic selves and redefine success on their terms, promoting a sense of contentment and self-worth.

Remember, each woman's experience is unique, and these positives can be tailored to fit individual circumstances.

Deut 31:8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Tap into New Vision as You Navigate the Empty Nest and Midlife

In midlife, women face new challenges.  Often life as they've known it changes.  Children head off to university, college, move out, or marry. Home dynamics change, often for a time, as some adult children return home to live again. 

The husband and wife relationship may feel different during these changes.  A midlife woman may feel both a sense of relief that she's finished one phase of life, while at the same time experience periods of grief or melancholy knowing the kids are grown up. Relating to adult children becomes a new game a mom may find challenging.

Change is sometimes uncomfortable, but necessary.

Change in the Nest-Emptying Years 

While some husbands want to wind down in midlife and the nest-emptying years, a midlife woman is known for wanting to reboot her life. She might contemplate going back to school, changing jobs, or re-entering the workforce since the children are no longer encroaching on her life. 

But it isn't as easy moving on in the nest-emptying phase as a good 'theory' may suggest. A woman is older. She may have a huge paid-work gap in her resume. Ageism abounds in the workplace, and an older midlife woman will be overlooked in favor of younger women most of the time. A woman's body may be challenged. Perhaps she tires easily. Or, a job standing on her feet all day is too physically demanding now.

While many midlife women go on a search for that 'new thing' that excites them or to pour themselves into, the search can be met with frustration. That doesn't mean searching is wrong. Just do your search with proper expectations. 

 

A Frustration Story 

When we were about to be job transferred for the third time in 20 years, I looked online for glimpses of what I might discover in the new location. I was, by then a paid content writer and certified life coach, but I'd also had a dream of one day working in a community centre where I could use my life coaching skills. When I saw a Christian-based community centre near my new home, I got excited. 

When God gives glimmers, I pursue them. So I applied to volunteer at the centre between my writing work and driving my teen son to school and his work. 

My motivations for applying to be a volunteer were many. I wanted to be out of the house where I could meet new people and feel part of the community. I wanted to start my next adventure to fulfill a long-term longing for feeling like a valuable contributor to society. I hoped it would one day work into a paid job.

But I quickly learned the vision I had of using my life coaching skills with community centre clients would not come true. 

I was put in a little office by myself to do computer work. There would be no interaction with clients. And, in but a short time, I was told I could do the work from home--exactly what I didn't want to do. And then the centre closed permanently. 

It's not the first frustration or death-of-a-dream I have suffered as a midlife woman looking for meaningful connections and something to sink my teeth into. I could share umpteen similar experiences. 

Does this sound familiar to you?

If you have met with dream busters or a lack of focus in knowing where to put yourself next in midlife, I offer you these tips. 

1. Know that many women feel as you do.
2. Changes can make you feel uncomfortable, you aren't manufacturing those feelings.
3. It's okay to not have the answer.
4. It's okay to seek professional help.
5. Searching for answers can be a healthy activity as long as you don't dwell on the disappointments you'll encounter.
6. God is still right there with you.
7. God still has a plan for you.
8. God will help you make the best use of your time and energy if you invite him into each day.
9. Choosing to trust God and live content is the best choice over striving and discontented living.
10. You are beautiful, talented, and lovable and will find joy once you practice looking for it.
11. Stay resilient. Get back up after something fails (and it will). 

How do you navigate these mixed midlife crisis feelings?

First, to deal with mixed midlife crisis feelings, it is paramount you recognize the enemy (Satan) will attack you at your point of vulnerability or weakness. And he'll do it often.  He will try to undermine your marriage, relationships, and your mindset. The enemy will speak discouraging thoughts to you more than you will ever be fully aware of.  

It is very important during this midlife phase to put on spiritual armor.  Employ tactics that will keep you spiritually strong that includes praying, reading scripture, and devouring devotionals or other books by Christian writers.  

Stay aware of negative voices when they pop into your head, and use cognitive behaviour techniques to switch them off.  


Lies of the Enemy

The enemy is very convincing.  He'll get you to say things like, "I feel like a nobody, I feel unappreciated, maybe I should leave my husband..." that type of thing.  But just because the complaints include "I" doesn't mean they're true.  

How you think will affect how you feel and will affect the next things you do.  Be vigilant about not listening to negative voices.  Stop them immediately!

Practical Steps

Here are a few more practical steps you can take in navigating your way through your midlife journey.

• Express your feelings in a journal.  
• Write your worries into prayers and commit them to God.
• Tell a friend how you're feeling.
• Hire a life coach or sign on for counseling.
• Focus on what is going well.

 Use Your Right Brain

Now, here is something I'd like you to try next.  This exercise will tap into your creative right brain.  It will give you a shift in thinking which, hopefully, will help you work through some troubling feelings.

(Some people are more right-brained than others.  Nevertheless, it can help every person to tap into their right brain.  Think about how we all love music.  Music taps into the right brain.  So does art, beauty, and physical movement.)

It might be said the right brain fuels the left brain--the thinking side.  YES!  We do want to fuel that thinking side.  

RIGHT BRAIN EXERCISE

Make a Positive-Thinking Vision Board 

• Gather magazines, scissors, a glue stick and poster paper or card stock.
• As you flip through your positive-thinking books, scriptures, or devotionals, write helpful quotes from them onto your poster.
• (If you have Joyce Meyer magazines, you'll find great quotes in there to cut out.)   
• Use colourful markers for your writing, or cut words out of magazines.
• Decorate the paper around your quotes.
• Add magazine pictures that make you feel alive, hopeful, and cheerful. 
• Tap into romance and beauty by choosing pictures that evoke those ideas--flowers, hearts, sparkly items, and so on. 

Cut, glue, write, and decorate your 
vision board.  
View it.  
Share it with someone.  
Hang it where you can see it often. 

 

A few vision boards I created this past spring.
These are not the ones with the Joyce Meyer
quotes or Bible Verses.

If you do this exercise, I'd love to hear how it went. Did you pray first? Did you hear from God as you looked for quotes or photos? Did adding colour or decorations help you feel more alive? 

For $33 Cdn you will receive an email coaching session where you can share your experience and I will reply.  Tell me where you are in your life journey and what you have put on your vision board.  You can even send me a photo.  Talking about it will help reinforce it and perhaps spark new ideas.  Contact me at this email address to initiate this process. You will pay by paypal or e-transfer (to a different email address) prior to 3 email replies.

  

Triggered by Your Adult Children's Decisions?

 

(Repost from 2019) (53)

Midlife, nest-emptying time, having adult children living at home or returning to the nest--are all situations parents walk through. It's part of the letting go process.

Over the past few years and going forward, I've been learning about letting go, living in the moment, training my thoughts, and rebuilding life. But it hasn't all been peaceful. At times, I've faced situations and felt great stress. And I've had to figure out how to deal with the challenges. 

When things come to a head, we sometimes need support. It's okay to ask for a friend's input. It's also okay to sign on for life coaching or mental health therapy. 


WATCH FOR TRIGGERS

My therapist helped me walk through past situations--things I'd stuffed down and not shared with another person. They were triggered as I saw my daughter making her own decisions. 

(Many of us women had turbulent times whether in teen years, early 20s, or onward. We had relationship issues, made choices we regret, and so on. The negative effects of those issues can affect us when our own children reach a similar stage.) 

As we see our children making life-altering decisions, we want them to not make the mistakes we have. We want our former pain and difficulty to have a purpose. Often, we think that the purpose of our past trauma is to help us warn our kids. But chances are, our adult kids don't want to hear our warnings. They'll take steps we don't agree with anyhow.

When I became stressed and anxiety-laden (accompanied by horrific tinnitus and panic attacks), I connected it to some issues I needed to deal with MYSELF. They had to do with my own past. They were affecting my perception of the present and the resultant stress was affecting my health. 

So I dealt with them one by one with weekly appointments with a therapist. 

The therapist gave me tools and permission to let my adult children go. My health and personal peace was important to preserve. 

The Bible tells us to forget the former things so that God can do a new thing. Once we've dealt with former things, we can dismiss the remembrance of them as soon as they try to take place in our present again. 

I've been dismissing thoughts left and right. I've been claiming each day as new. I've been tossing out the temptation to become frustrated by what my adult children do. It's their turn to make their own decisions and mistakes.

• Do these tips help you? 
• Is there stuff in your past you need to deal with? If so, how will you go about it? 
• Can you imagine how freeing it will be to let your children make their own decisions? 

Are You Feeling Cast Down and Stuck in a Midlife Crisis?

 

Are you feeling stuck as though you're in a midlife crisis?  Are you wondering if there is more to life?  Are you suddenly overtaken by fear of a less-than-wonderful future?

Midlife crisis feelings can mount up on a woman from seemingly nowhere and for many reasons. Women are usually deep thinkers and feelers. They deal with hormonal shifts that affect their moods. They are nurturers but also crave independence and stature. Perimenopause's hormonal shifts is one very huge cause of such feelings. 

Feelings of being stuck hit me often throughout my time raising children and being a wife. I didn't know where to assign blame or who to reach out to for help. At times like this, we want pain relief. We want to fix ourselves. We don't feel like we are enough. We search for answers. 

Looking back now, I know it would have been better to learn mindfulness tips and to adopt contentment. But we are human. Human issues plague us.

I was a child of God. I prayed all the time. I participated in church meetings and bible studies. But there were moments when I felt deflated and empty. I longed for a sense of happiness and vitality that seemed elusive. In my pursuit of fulfillment, I found myself channeling excessive energy into managing my children, perhaps becoming overly involved. It became clear that I needed a more invigorating outlet to pour myself into.

Depression?

Was it depression? Was I feeling as I was because we'd moved too much and I failed to rebuild my network? Was it because I'd chosen to be an at-home mom leaving the paid workforce and I was stagnating? Was it because every part-time job I applied to failed?Is it because I craved significant church ministry and every attempt soured? Was I simply lonely? Was it my hormones? I suspect it was a combination of all the above. 

If you're fighting these kinds of feelings, I would like to share a few realizations I hope will help you:

One is that all humans suffer from what you might call a restless heart. It is that spot that needs God's peace, guidance, and comfort. We are human so are vulnerable to all that is in the fallen world. We are vulnerable to depression, mental illness, attacks of Satan, hurts from other humans, disappointments in life, injuries, illnesses, you name it. To deny such is to be a Pollyanna (Pollyanna refers to an excessively unrealistic optimistic person, sometimes to the point of being naive or oblivious to negative aspects of a situation.)

As humans, we tend to default to negativism. Thoughts and regrets of our past resurface without invitation. Taking our thoughts captive needs to be a daily exercise. But it can be exhausting without adequate social supports.

Because of our vulnerability combined with the personality God gave us, we need him even more to help us find the best path for our life. 

But most of us who are believers have dedicated ourselves to him for his use. What we have trouble accepting is where we are--the life he has chosen for us. We fight it. We question our self-worth too much. And with good reason. The outside world makes a lot of noise. Other women look down on us or make comments about our choices. Social media causes us to feel jealous or like we don't measure up. 

Confidence in our choices is better. Trusting God's plan is better. Self-acceptance is key. 

Happiness is fleeting. Moodiness can overwhelm us at any time. We weren't made to be in a perpetual life of happiness, but to seek contentment. Peace and contentment within ourselves is a gift from God that can be found when we are in relationship with him.

And sometimes, we have setbacks. I remember a period in life in my 40s when I felt I had no vision. I was relationship-starved though married. I was affirmation-starved. I was given no gold stars, no headlines, no paycheck. I was simply thriving. 

I had no new dreams to propel me forward. I was tired of trying to make my dream of life coaching in a church setting lift off the ground. No church near me would embrace the concept, and since I was an introvert with few connections in high places, my heart's desire for a ministry of that nature would never see the light of day. I didn't understand why God would give me such desires and have the door slammed in my face so many times. (I won't go into detail.) 

Another example is when God decided to give my husband another job transfer--back closer to family. For a time, we were able to enjoy visits from my elderly mother and have extended family over for pool parties and dinners. I didn't have to work so hard for that sense of peace. And then, in 2020, mom passed, and many negative events occurred to destroy our relationships. BOOM! Just like that, I'm having to rebuild yet again. 

I will never understand why God leaves us in the world with great dreams and visions but lets us flounder. I have no clue why so many people in this world are deluded, mean, and ill-spirited. But that's how it seems to be. So if you're floundering, take heart. You aren't alone. 

Know this, God loves you and approves of you no matter what outside sources tell you. God is love, so cling to him. Love yourself! Pursue peace and love in all you do. And apply these tips going forward: 

1. Stop asking why. 

2. Train your mind to see the good in life and dismiss negative thinking.

3. Pray for God's spirit to give you joy and faith so that you won't always feel cast down.

4. Ask God if you should talk to your doctor about possible depression solutions, increase your vitamin D, hire a counsellor, or reach out to someone to talk to.

5. Put your expectations into check. Get rid of black-and-white thinking and live in the grey zone.

6. Realize that everything in life is for a time and season. Most seasons are short.

7. Pray for God to give you a spirit of contentment.  

Even in your darkest days when your mood goes low, when you experience grief, loss, anger, and so on, acknowledge your feelings. It's okay to feel sad now and then. But hang on to trust in God and to hope. 

Your calling in life isn't to do some great job with a big title, it is simply to be part of God's plans and purposes. It is to connect to God and to promote God and his work. It is to be a good steward of all God has blessed you with. 

So don't wander off looking for a new man, a different job, a separation, or divorce. Don't be hasty to tear down what you've already built. 

Keep doing the last thing God told you to do until he reveals something new to do. 

And be content with the mundane life you have because that's where most of us find ourselves daily.