Are You in a Midlife Rut?

Are you a Christian woman who loves God but feels stuck in a rut where your personal life is concerned? 

I completely understand the concept of a Christian woman experiencing a midlife crisis. When she was younger, she had her whole life ahead of her. However, as she enters midlife, lots of changes have occurred. 

Some mothers are ready to move on, but their teenage children still need them. I ran the van shuttles, helped shop for prom and grad dresses, drove my daughter to dance classes and son to band practices, arranged for the inlaws to fly in and stay with us in time for my daughter's high school graduation and undertook the prep work for moving our home that would happen a few weeks later. I was busy. But I hadn't moved on in life yet. I dreamt that the upcoming move would solve the answer to my midlife query of what to do with myself in my next life stage that would be fulfilling--where I'd be seen, heard, acknowledged and, perhaps,  paid what I'm worth. 

I trusted God's timing and knew God had ordained our last move. But after our move, I still had to organize the new house, settle each kid into university dorms and run to fetch the kids or bring them groceries for another several years. I didn't just go off to work like many women do though I was able to sell content articles as a freelance writer and do part-time transcription work from home. Those ARE jobs, but in my mind, they were not ideal jobs. I didn't give myself credit due. And part of the reason was because I was still behind my own four walls. I even wrote under pen names. And, what I really needed was socialization to help me feel seen and valuable.    

Not all parents are as doting as I've been, but putting parenting first was a priority I couldn't shake. And in that role, though I knew it was where I needed to be, I felt hidden like a nobody.  

And I see now that over the years I was constantly fighting the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) and feeling life was passing me by. Yet, I really was living the life of my dreams.  

Accept Yourself 

Finally, I decided that striving to find a greater calling was a stronghold. Focusing on what I didn't have dragged me down more than uplifted me. I would be better off accepting the life God had spelled out for me and telling myself I was enough. 

I've thought of writing a book on acceptance because we are constantly bombarded by self-improvement advice that tells us to change and fix ourselves. But peace is found in noticing the good we carry out and accepting where God has placed us, not fighting it. 

Over time, I have learned to observe my body's behaviour in relation to eating, sleeping, energy, and enjoyment as I started getting more time for myself. As a result, I have created a routine that includes sleeping in, two-hour coffee time after waking with some reading and browsing the internet, followed by completing tasks and dedicating time to work on my passions.

I came to the realization that everything I dedicate my time to can be considered my job. By viewing my life as a calling, responsibility, and job, I am able to create a framework that allows me to better prioritize and focus on what needs to be done, and I am at peace. 

Walking Through Midlife as a Stay-At-Home Mom

Were You/Are You a Stay-At-Home Mom? How is Your Midlife Journey Going?

Your journey as a Christian midlife woman can be enriching and challenging, filled with achievements, moments of reflection, personal growth, and spiritual renewal. Some midlife women reach a pinnacle of career success in midlife. They're doing what they love to do.

For others, midlife can be filled with new emotional and physical challenges, questions, and doubts. I know because I've been there. I've walked through it.

My Midlife Journey

In midlife, I was an at-home mom looking for the next thing to do for myself beyond the home. Because my husband travelled for work and we took job transfers moving across the country a few times, we agreed it made sense for me to stay home to be the main caregiver of the children and maintainer of the household. It just made things a lot easier for us, myself included. And, it was where my heart was. I believe that's the choice God led me to.

By midlife, the children were reaching important milestones and, as a mother, I was happy to do my best to support them. However, I couldn't help but feel my world had become too small. I yearned for something new, but I was unsure what that might be.

I wasn't prepared to launch into a full-time job outside the home. I looked at part-time opportunities instead besides the office cleaning I did at my husband's business office and the newspaper delivery route I took over for my son who failed to do the work. I took those jobs to stay busy and earn a bit of money, but I felt pitiful doing them. I felt like a martyr. I cried often wondering if that was all God had for me.

Looking into new opportunities was an exercise in frustration. I looked at courses to take. I looked at various jobs advertised. I ended up confused and lost.

The journey was very different from looking for work as a twenty-something-year-old. I encountered ageism or whatever you might call it. By then, I was in my mid-forties. During one interview, the interviewer made a sarcastic remark about my work experience saying "But that was ten years ago!"

The Calling and Cost of Being an At-Home Mom

Yes, at-home moms who choose the role as I did, do end up in a bit of a quagmire later on. They want to be seen, heard, and paid for their intellect just as anyone does.

I had a friend who became an at-home mother for a few years before heading back to the workforce. She said her return to work was based on a desire for mental stimulation. I get it. I don't blame her. She had credentials for more and bigger as a professional engineer.

I'd tasted and seen the benefits of being in the paid workforce before I had children. I missed the camaraderie, the pay, and the feeling that I'd spent my day well. Just before the birth of my first child, I'd promised myself to never quit working. So that promise became a stronghold that was hard to shake loose from for years--another cause of midlife restlessness. I felt I'd betrayed my promise to myself. But there were the children to consider. And they got out of school at 2:30. I didn't want them to be latch-key children left on their own.

But just as my friend expressed, I had a desire for greater mental stimulation too. That became the root of my restlessness for many years. I begged God for the right fit - a fulfilling part-time job that would allow me to be home in time for my children's care - because my family responsibilities would always come first. It's how I am wired.

Finally, at one point, I was hired for a job from 10 am to 2 pm as an Administrative Specialist. They offered me such low pay, it was a joke. On the surface, it seemed obvious I should take it though and perhaps work my way back into the workforce. And though there was a check in my spirit, I went ahead with it.

I won't get into it all here but enough to say I hated it and quit after 8 months. I guess I learned what I needed to learn, but it was mostly a negative experience. It was not fulfilling. And since my husband was at work all day and the children at school, neither would appreciate my efforts or see me dressed up in my work clothes.

2 Chronicles 15:7  But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”

The Bind an At-Home Mom Finds Herself In

The at-home midlife mom will never fully be valued by anyone else besides her children and God. And some moms will question whether they'd chosen well to remain an at-home mom for so many years.

Second-guessing can be part of midlife life inquiry, but for women of God, it's more valuable to trust that God led her to the right path he wanted her to take whether it be for a season or long-term.

God is Faithful 

I will say that through all the years, fears, and doubts, God continued to take care of us and reward my husband with promotions and pay increases. It took time, but we prospered without a second big income from me. And, often, I have had to put to death my sorrow over not being paid what I feel I'm worth even later as a freelance writer. 

I've resigned myself to these thoughts:

1. Trust God has put me where I'm meant to be. 

2. Listen for nudges no matter how silly and follow them.

3. Doing God's work is in the little daily events, not always in jobs with titles and pay. 

4. Trust God to lead me forward day by day.

5. Deal with midlife physical issues as they arise finding the right support.

6. Be alert to outside voices or the enemy's voice that brings discontentment, accusations, or feelings of boredom.

7. Don't compare my life to anyone else's. 

8. Trust that God will say "Well done good and faithful servant" despite my career choice. 

9. The world changes and it's not my fault.

10. Instead of spending precious time comparing myself to others or feeling lowly, focus on my mission in life - to write, to love, to serve, to encourage, and to uplift others.

Things to do when you don't know what to do:

When you drive past a school, pray for its safety, and its students...

When you drive past a person on the street, pray for them.

When you greet a clerk, smile and be friendly.

When you see an opportunity to donate or give, do it.

Go for lots of walks.

Get out in nature.

Read good books.

Go for a massage.

Go for counselling, and if that's not needed, spend time with someone who cares.

Write your prayers to God. 

Take notes when you read encouraging messages. 

Encourage others on social media. 

Create art no matter how good or bad you are at it. 

Take your turn as a volunteer or feel free to say no it's not for me. 

 

Are you in Perimenopause?

I originally wrote this in 2010, but it's worth sharing now as more midlife women enter this life phase. 

Women between 35 & 51 (typically) may be considered to be in a "peri-menopausal" phase hormonally.   Just as puberty brings an onset of change that a young person goes through over three to five years, peri-menopause brings on changes too-- a reverse puberty if you will--that can last anywhere from ten to fifteen years.

The symptoms of perimenopause may include night sweats and/or daytime hot flashes, crashing fatigue, irritability, mood swings, crying spells, depression, weight gain, headaches, brain fog and trouble with memory or concentration.  The symptoms may come and go. 

It's evident that enduring these symptoms over years can be incredibly frustrating and can significantly impact the quality of life for any midlife woman. If you're experiencing the symptoms of perimenopause, know that you're not alone. As a woman in this life phase, it's crucial to prioritize self-care and protect your well-being

"I don't have a cure or remedy for peri-menopause, but it's important to note that if you're feeling off lately - experiencing emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical challenges - it might be related to your hormones. It may not have anything to do with your husband, job, kids, or church."

Remember to ask the Lord to open your eyes and show you what is happening inside you that needs your attention. Share your concerns with Him and inquire if you should take any new steps to take better care of yourself. Additionally, talk to your partner or family members about your struggles so that they can understand what may be affecting your mood.

Partner with other trusted women for advice. And take a day at a time as you navigate this journey most of us take. Feel free to ask for help. 

When Tears Don't Come

When Tears Don't Come

During midlife, I cried easily. I cried when I woke up depressed, sad, or worried. I cried as needed at other times, especially when bored or lonely. And crying often helped me feel better. Crying can trigger the release of endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals. This hormonal response can lead to an improved mood and a sense of emotional well-being after crying. 

Do you cry? Do you feel better after you do?

No Crying in Menopause

I'm beyond midlife and perimenopause now. I'm fully in menopause. I haven't been able to cry for a few years. I remember a woman at church telling me that she was also unable to cry, but I didn't really understand her until now. 

When I feel like I need to cry these days, I simply say to my husband, "I feel like crying." But no tears will come.

Apparently, some individuals find that, as they age, they develop increased emotional regulation (the ability to handle their feelings better) and resilience resulting in a reduced tendency to cry or express emotions outwardly, even when feeling like crying. That might be true for me, but a cry now and then would be okay too. I miss those cleansing tears that help me connect with myself.

Change is Constant

When it comes down to this new revelation on crying, it seems simply that change is part of a woman's life from the time she's born until she passes. Changes are something we navigate on the fly. We are all living life for the first time. And each phase requires we stay kind to ourselves acknowledging that changes in emotional expression are a natural part of life.

As always, there is a time and season for everything. Change is constant though sometimes so slow we don't see it happening. But kindness to ourselves is always something we can keep focused on with the strength of God's loving guidance.

Why Do I Have a Longing for More?

Artwork by Rosalie Garde

THE DEEP LONGING FOR MORE

In a recent post, I mentioned women have a deep longing for more and better. What is this deep longing about?  

I'd like to suggest the longing is really a desire for Jesus and heaven. It's a desire for perfect peace and happiness which isn't sustainable on earth.  That being said, the longing for more is a feeling wired into us from creation. It can be both good and bad. It depends on what our longing is for. 

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal" Matt 6:19 (NIV).

Longing for more things, can be a problem. The verse above tells us not to store up things. But longing for more can be good in that God has work for us to do. He has people for us to see, places for us to go, missions for us to carry out. It's good to not just sit and stay where we are. 

HOW TO FILL THE VOID

Filling the void--the longing for more--begins with acknowledging that you are on this earth for a higher purpose than serving yourself. It's not about you. You are simply an ambassador for God.   

If God has a perfect plan for your life, doesn't it make sense to look for it? 

I don't want to encourage you to spin your wheels stuck in discontentment while you search for new meaning you are sure is evading you. I don't want you to get caught up in trying to force something to happen just for the sake of experiencing a thrilling feeling. I don't want you stuck in a pattern of constant striving followed by disappointment. 

Life is more than charismatic spiritual highs, and trips to sunny climates. When life is in a lull, it doesn't mean something is missing. These lulls are simply part of life.

Ask God for the right balance

God won't make your life perfect and exciting all the time, but he will guide you into his plan if you ask him to lead you daily. Will you be content to live a day at a time?

When God is leading you, chances are, your life won't look like much of anything new is happening. That's how God works for most of us. We plod along until the next unusual moment occurs. 

Our part is to ask God to take authority over our time, choices, energy, and relationships and then to settle into that prayer. To trust he is at work. To trust we are right where he wants us. 

Ask God to lead you into whatever it is he wants you to do in a day. That could mean asking him where to go online, what boundaries to set, where to take a walk, what chores to do, who to text, phone or interact with. 

God rarely shows us the big long-term picture. Even if he does, that big picture is worked out in small steps. Patience is required. Will you trust God to reveal what simple steps to need to take? 

I often pray:

"Lead me where you need me. Open my eyes to see what you need me to see. Open my ears to hear what you want me to hear. Grant me direction. I will listen for your nudges all day long."