Over the years, from childhood until now, I've been a stick-to-myself kind of person. Some might call it being a loner, others might say I'm an introvert. As a child, I had social anxiety. They called me shy. Even my parents didn't know what to think of it. And so I took it as though I was flawed. But now that I've raised a son with social anxiety, I have come to understand it completely. It's a genetic disposition, and it's not wrong or flawed. It's unique.
I had trouble making friends as a child. But I wanted friends. I often felt lonely. By grade 8, I was so done with feeling awkward and God knew it. He led me to make a good friend with a girl named Sophie through our shared relationship in Home Economics Class. Sophie wasn't from my neighbourhood. Our class was combined with hers at another school so it was a relationship with no baggage. She would know little about me and the teasing I received at school often being called a cry baby. And I knew little of her background. Sophie accepted me for what she saw, and throughout highschool we were best friends. I thank God for her.
In college, I made another best friend, Kathy. She was also a gift from God--one who was an extrovert and able to draw me out of my social anxiety.
I treasured these friendships. But later in life, I learned that each of them had another set of friends, on the side, and maybe I was more invested in them than they were in me.
As time went on and we moved apart, I still thought of them and a few others as my core friends--you know the ones you will treasure in your heart always.
But relationshps were strained as we had each moved geographically apart. And in that era, there was no Facebook, email, texting, and so on. Our relationships faded, as they do in many cases. When I moved back home to Ontario fourteen years later, I hoped to pick up with old friends. But I sorrowfully discovered, most had moved on. Everything was different. I no longer had a core to rely on.
But I had my husband, Ty, a gift from God. My new best friend.
Seasons of Change
I think many women will identify with the scenario above. And added to it, other life stages we travel through:
When our children are preschoolers, we make friends in moms groups. We mingle with others at the schoolyard. Some might have joined the school council or participated in sports teams. I had to mingle with dance moms, but I was never that kind of dance mom! I was still introverted and liked to stick to myself most of those years. And, again, I was often lonely.
I joined women's daytime Bible studies, always getting to know a new group of women. I cried at church signup once realizing the women I'd just begun to know in the last bible study group had all dispersed into new groups. Occasionally, women reached out to me, but I had a wall up. I can't explain why, but it was just harder to make friends as an adult.
I pretended everything was going great, of course. I entertained my children's friends, and sometimes chatted with their parents. I was in a high school prayer moms prayer group for a time which I'm thankful for.
Moving On
Later, we moved provinces again. I joined a gym where I found comraderie with others in a similar life stage. But for me, I still had strong boundaries. I was a Christian and non-Christian jokes and activities like a focus on alcohol and playing cards were offputting. (I was brought up to not do such and haven't shed that old framework.)
Working from home, I was often lonely. But it suited my introverted self. I was able to earn a little pay while also manage my home and family. I was free to drive my highschool son where he needed to go and free to take healthy meals to my daughter who was living at a nearby university campus. I was still living vicariously through my children in my main role as wife and mom.
At that time, my dog was my best friend. We went so many places no one else in my family ever knew about. And socializing at the dog park was good for me too.
Pandemic
My husband and I had been in and out of the empty nest several times by the time the pandemic hit. A few things I was involved in stopped due to the pandemic, including my gym group and church.
When the pandemic hit, I did well, initially. I was used to living life on my terms, working from home. I don't think I felt any more isolated than I had been before the pandemic.
As time ticked on, though, I craved socialization, as we all do. I found a church with an afternoon time and visited every second Sunday. They were friendly, but those who founded the church new each other, some were related, and most were Spanish speaking and difficult to understand due to their strong accents. They were younger. I didn't feel there was anyone in my peer group to make me feel a sense of connection.
Reaching Out
During this era of starting over as many of us midlife women are in the empty nest trying to make friends as adults, life is complicated. Many retire at this life stage and lose automatic workmates even.
I can't tell you how many times I would receive a daily emailed devotional where the topic was our need for friendship, koinonia, community, and so on and I couldn't read it. Perhaps the Bible does teach us the need for such, but making it happen can be much harder for many of us.
Nevertheless, in such times, I encourage myself in the Lord. I look to him to help me rebuild in this complicated life phase. And if this describes where you're at too, please join in this prayer with me:
A Prayer for New Relationships, Guidance, and Peace
Heavenly Father,
I come before You with a humble heart, seeking Your guidance and grace in this season of my life. You know my desire for new relationships, for friends who will uplift and support me, and for a community where I can both give and receive love and encouragement.
Lord, I ask for Your direction in building these new connections. Show me the paths I should take and the places I should go to meet people who will become true friends. Give me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and the wisdom to recognize the opportunities You place before me.
Help me to be open and approachable, reflecting Your love in all my interactions. Teach me to listen, to understand, and to offer kindness to those I meet. Guide me to those who need a friend as much as I do, so that we can support each other in our journeys.
In this time of rebuilding after the pandemic and after raising a family, when so many connections have been strained or lost, grant me patience and perseverance. Remind me that Your timing is perfect and that You have a plan for me, even when I cannot see it clearly.
Lord, I also pray for peace with the life You have given me right now. Help me to find contentment and joy in the blessings I have. Teach me to cherish the relationships I do have, to nurture them with love and care, and to trust that You are always with me, even when I feel alone.
Thank You, Father, for Your constant presence and unfailing love. May Your peace, which surpasses all understanding, guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I trust in Your promise that You will never leave me nor forsake me.
In Jesus' name, I pray.
Amen.
