Midlife Crisis Challenges

 

In my eBook tailored for Christian Midlife Women, which is accessible on Amazon, I propose an alternative perspective to addressing midlife dilemmas. Rather than seeking to solve them outright, I encourage the idea of walking through them.

We don't disregard our feelings and say they don't matter. No, we acknowledge them. But we are mindful that this time of questioning and chaos is often a life phase affected by so many variables. Navigating a midlife crisis is not akin to a game of darts where you pinpoint the issue and eliminate it with a well-aimed throw.

Consider the situation where a woman blames her husband for her unhappiness and opts for divorce. It's like assigning blame for a puzzle's complexity to a single piece and discarding it, only to realize that the puzzle's intricacy remains unresolved.

While some women may believe that divorce is the key to their happiness, for instance, that idea is akin to trading a temporary sense of relief for a long-term cost. It's like exchanging a valuable possession for a fleeting satisfaction, only to discover that the true price includes not just emotional but financial impoverishment.

Yes, life is complex. It's not wise to blame your midlife crisis on only one cause.

I share this perspective because many women find themselves on a quest to discover a quick fix for their emotional turmoil.

A midlife woman might say, "If I can just find the right job..." or "If we lived in a bigger house..." or "If I had a different husband..." or "If I were only younger and slimmer..."

Women may attempt to alter their circumstances, making significant decisions that could potentially lead to regret later on.

Through my experiences, I've come to realize that the key may not necessarily lie in changing external circumstances but in transforming how we perceive and feel about them while also taking steps forward that are good for our well-being.

It's crucial to recognize that where we find ourselves when feeling in crisis is often a result of our choices. They might have been very good choices we felt led by God to make. They may be choices based on a sense of calling we had years prior. But in midlife, we begin to second-guess them. And it's easy to question God or even blame him for what feels like a suddenly depressing life.

If I could throw out a proverbial life vest to a woman who feels this way, it would be in the form of a suggestion. I would suggest she become curious about her thoughts and consider their roots, but before dissecting them, to reaffirm her trust that the same God who said he'd lead her has led her and is still leading her now.

For myself, God had led me to a couple of cross-country moves with my husband. We're both introverts and he travelled a lot so it was difficult for me to not feel lonely. I understand it better now that I've done research on my own personality style. At the time, though, my default was to have a depressing pity party.

Those moves we took we felt were led by God. Now, with new emotions rising to the top and experiencing perimenopause, God was leading me to take new steps.

God led me to do Internet research on the topic of Midlife Crisis. He led me to start writing the book pictured above. He led me to talk to my doctor about my depression. He led me to reach out to mental health therapists and life coaches. 

I didn't like the process much. I was scared of those depressed feelings. But they demanded I walk through them a step at a time. 

Today, as you're walking through midlife, can you pinpoint the feelings you're having? Why not list them. Read my book, talk to a professional or friend, and decide what challenges you're being called to walk through now. What might be your next step?

Positives of the Empty Nest

In this blog post, I cited many issues women in midlife deal with especially in the empty nest phase. In this post, I'd like to list some of the positives of this phase when a woman's mothering years change to more of a peer relationship with her adult children: 

Newfound Freedom: With children becoming more independent, women have the opportunity to explore new interests and hobbies, or even embark on personal adventures they may have put on hold.

Professional Reinvention: Career stagnation can be seen as an opportunity for reinvention. Midlife can be the perfect time to pursue new skills, take on different responsibilities, or even consider a career change.

Deeper Connections: Relationship changes may lead to deeper connections with partners, friends, and family. Open communication and shared experiences can strengthen bonds.

Embracing Self-Acceptance: Instead of focusing solely on physical changes, midlife offers a chance for self-acceptance and embracing the wisdom and experiences that come with age.

Clarity in Life Goals: The reevaluation of life goals can lead to a clearer sense of purpose and alignment with personal values. This can bring a sense of fulfillment and direction.

Personal Growth: The transition from caregiving roles allows women the opportunity for personal growth. Exploring new passions, learning, and self-development become possible.

Prioritizing Health and Well-being: Facing health concerns can be a catalyst for prioritizing well-being. Women may adopt healthier lifestyles, including better nutrition and regular exercise.

Rest: Embracing quiet moments and newfound freedom can allow them to indulge in restorative activities, nurturing their well-being and creating a space for personal rejuvenation.

Building New Social Circles: Social isolation can be an opportunity to build new social circles, fostering connections with like-minded individuals who share common interests.

Creating Fresh Challenges: Actively seeking out and creating new challenges can add excitement and purpose to life. This could involve pursuing hobbies, volunteering, or taking on new projects.

Spiritual Exploration: Instead of existential restlessness, midlife can be a time for spiritual exploration and finding deeper meaning. Practices like meditation or joining spiritual communities can provide solace.

Defying Societal Expectations: Breaking free from societal pressures allows women to embrace their authentic selves and redefine success on their terms, promoting a sense of contentment and self-worth.

Remember, each woman's experience is unique, and these positives can be tailored to fit individual circumstances.

Deut 31:8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Tap into New Vision as You Navigate the Empty Nest and Midlife

In midlife, women face new challenges.  Often life as they've known it changes.  Children head off to university, college, move out, or marry. Home dynamics change, often for a time, as some adult children return home to live again. 

The husband and wife relationship may feel different during these changes.  A midlife woman may feel both a sense of relief that she's finished one phase of life, while at the same time experience periods of grief or melancholy knowing the kids are grown up. Relating to adult children becomes a new game a mom may find challenging.

Change is sometimes uncomfortable, but necessary.

Change in the Nest-Emptying Years 

While some husbands want to wind down in midlife and the nest-emptying years, a midlife woman is known for wanting to reboot her life. She might contemplate going back to school, changing jobs, or re-entering the workforce since the children are no longer encroaching on her life. 

But it isn't as easy moving on in the nest-emptying phase as a good 'theory' may suggest. A woman is older. She may have a huge paid-work gap in her resume. Ageism abounds in the workplace, and an older midlife woman will be overlooked in favor of younger women most of the time. A woman's body may be challenged. Perhaps she tires easily. Or, a job standing on her feet all day is too physically demanding now.

While many midlife women go on a search for that 'new thing' that excites them or to pour themselves into, the search can be met with frustration. That doesn't mean searching is wrong. Just do your search with proper expectations. 

 

A Frustration Story 

When we were about to be job transferred for the third time in 20 years, I looked online for glimpses of what I might discover in the new location. I was, by then a paid content writer and certified life coach, but I'd also had a dream of one day working in a community centre where I could use my life coaching skills. When I saw a Christian-based community centre near my new home, I got excited. 

When God gives glimmers, I pursue them. So I applied to volunteer at the centre between my writing work and driving my teen son to school and his work. 

My motivations for applying to be a volunteer were many. I wanted to be out of the house where I could meet new people and feel part of the community. I wanted to start my next adventure to fulfill a long-term longing for feeling like a valuable contributor to society. I hoped it would one day work into a paid job.

But I quickly learned the vision I had of using my life coaching skills with community centre clients would not come true. 

I was put in a little office by myself to do computer work. There would be no interaction with clients. And, in but a short time, I was told I could do the work from home--exactly what I didn't want to do. And then the centre closed permanently. 

It's not the first frustration or death-of-a-dream I have suffered as a midlife woman looking for meaningful connections and something to sink my teeth into. I could share umpteen similar experiences. 

Does this sound familiar to you?

If you have met with dream busters or a lack of focus in knowing where to put yourself next in midlife, I offer you these tips. 

1. Know that many women feel as you do.
2. Changes can make you feel uncomfortable, you aren't manufacturing those feelings.
3. It's okay to not have the answer.
4. It's okay to seek professional help.
5. Searching for answers can be a healthy activity as long as you don't dwell on the disappointments you'll encounter.
6. God is still right there with you.
7. God still has a plan for you.
8. God will help you make the best use of your time and energy if you invite him into each day.
9. Choosing to trust God and live content is the best choice over striving and discontented living.
10. You are beautiful, talented, and lovable and will find joy once you practice looking for it.
11. Stay resilient. Get back up after something fails (and it will). 

How do you navigate these mixed midlife crisis feelings?

First, to deal with mixed midlife crisis feelings, it is paramount you recognize the enemy (Satan) will attack you at your point of vulnerability or weakness. And he'll do it often.  He will try to undermine your marriage, relationships, and your mindset. The enemy will speak discouraging thoughts to you more than you will ever be fully aware of.  

It is very important during this midlife phase to put on spiritual armor.  Employ tactics that will keep you spiritually strong that includes praying, reading scripture, and devouring devotionals or other books by Christian writers.  

Stay aware of negative voices when they pop into your head, and use cognitive behaviour techniques to switch them off.  


Lies of the Enemy

The enemy is very convincing.  He'll get you to say things like, "I feel like a nobody, I feel unappreciated, maybe I should leave my husband..." that type of thing.  But just because the complaints include "I" doesn't mean they're true.  

How you think will affect how you feel and will affect the next things you do.  Be vigilant about not listening to negative voices.  Stop them immediately!

Practical Steps

Here are a few more practical steps you can take in navigating your way through your midlife journey.

• Express your feelings in a journal.  
• Write your worries into prayers and commit them to God.
• Tell a friend how you're feeling.
• Hire a life coach or sign on for counseling.
• Focus on what is going well.

 Use Your Right Brain

Now, here is something I'd like you to try next.  This exercise will tap into your creative right brain.  It will give you a shift in thinking which, hopefully, will help you work through some troubling feelings.

(Some people are more right-brained than others.  Nevertheless, it can help every person to tap into their right brain.  Think about how we all love music.  Music taps into the right brain.  So does art, beauty, and physical movement.)

It might be said the right brain fuels the left brain--the thinking side.  YES!  We do want to fuel that thinking side.  

RIGHT BRAIN EXERCISE

Make a Positive-Thinking Vision Board 

• Gather magazines, scissors, a glue stick and poster paper or card stock.
• As you flip through your positive-thinking books, scriptures, or devotionals, write helpful quotes from them onto your poster.
• (If you have Joyce Meyer magazines, you'll find great quotes in there to cut out.)   
• Use colourful markers for your writing, or cut words out of magazines.
• Decorate the paper around your quotes.
• Add magazine pictures that make you feel alive, hopeful, and cheerful. 
• Tap into romance and beauty by choosing pictures that evoke those ideas--flowers, hearts, sparkly items, and so on. 

Cut, glue, write, and decorate your 
vision board.  
View it.  
Share it with someone.  
Hang it where you can see it often. 

 

A few vision boards I created this past spring.
These are not the ones with the Joyce Meyer
quotes or Bible Verses.

If you do this exercise, I'd love to hear how it went. Did you pray first? Did you hear from God as you looked for quotes or photos? Did adding colour or decorations help you feel more alive? 

For $33 Cdn you will receive an email coaching session where you can share your experience and I will reply.  Tell me where you are in your life journey and what you have put on your vision board.  You can even send me a photo.  Talking about it will help reinforce it and perhaps spark new ideas.  Contact me at this email address to initiate this process. You will pay by paypal or e-transfer (to a different email address) prior to 3 email replies.

  

Triggered by Your Adult Children's Decisions?

 

(Repost from 2019) (53)

Midlife, nest-emptying time, having adult children living at home or returning to the nest--are all situations parents walk through. It's part of the letting go process.

Over the past few years and going forward, I've been learning about letting go, living in the moment, training my thoughts, and rebuilding life. But it hasn't all been peaceful. At times, I've faced situations and felt great stress. And I've had to figure out how to deal with the challenges. 

When things come to a head, we sometimes need support. It's okay to ask for a friend's input. It's also okay to sign on for life coaching or mental health therapy. 


WATCH FOR TRIGGERS

My therapist helped me walk through past situations--things I'd stuffed down and not shared with another person. They were triggered as I saw my daughter making her own decisions. 

(Many of us women had turbulent times whether in teen years, early 20s, or onward. We had relationship issues, made choices we regret, and so on. The negative effects of those issues can affect us when our own children reach a similar stage.) 

As we see our children making life-altering decisions, we want them to not make the mistakes we have. We want our former pain and difficulty to have a purpose. Often, we think that the purpose of our past trauma is to help us warn our kids. But chances are, our adult kids don't want to hear our warnings. They'll take steps we don't agree with anyhow.

When I became stressed and anxiety-laden (accompanied by horrific tinnitus and panic attacks), I connected it to some issues I needed to deal with MYSELF. They had to do with my own past. They were affecting my perception of the present and the resultant stress was affecting my health. 

So I dealt with them one by one with weekly appointments with a therapist. 

The therapist gave me tools and permission to let my adult children go. My health and personal peace was important to preserve. 

The Bible tells us to forget the former things so that God can do a new thing. Once we've dealt with former things, we can dismiss the remembrance of them as soon as they try to take place in our present again. 

I've been dismissing thoughts left and right. I've been claiming each day as new. I've been tossing out the temptation to become frustrated by what my adult children do. It's their turn to make their own decisions and mistakes.

• Do these tips help you? 
• Is there stuff in your past you need to deal with? If so, how will you go about it? 
• Can you imagine how freeing it will be to let your children make their own decisions?