Midlife Crisis Tips for Moving Forward

Tossing and turning were yielding nothing. Sleep had evaded me once again, and troubled feelings were stirring. So I carefully reached for my fluffy robe and slid out of bed as quietly as I could. My husband slept soundly as I tiptoed out the door and down the stairs to the lower level office.

The brightness of the computer screen was blinding in the darkened room. Two-thirty was the time on the clock when I began my web search for answers for my chaotic feelings, and 4:30 was the time when I returned to bed and finally fell asleep.

For that two hours, I sat, in the quiet of the night, typing various combinations of words into the search bar. One phrase I typed into the search bar was one that I'd heard a lot about, but surely didn't think fit me, after all, I wasn't looking for a younger man or wanting to buy a sportscar (you know the old cliche?)

There I sat though, and typed the words:

"m-i-d-l-i-f-e   c-r-i-s-i-s".

This story is in my Amazon Kindle book 16 Essential Steps to Help You Walk Through Your Midlife Crisis: A Self-Coaching Tool for Midlife Christian Women 

WAS I HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS?


After reading a few of the descriptions for midlife crisis over several websites, I found a few points that resonated with me. I'd concurred with the descriptions of feelings of panic and sadness that had been washing over me on for some time by then. Insomnia had been regularly creeping in. Hot flashes abounded. The more I read, the more I decided I was in a perimenopausal midlife crisis.

I wondered, "Will I find answers to help me feel better? Or, will I be stuck feeling bad forever?"

Happy to Have a Diagnosis 

Google is great for diagnosing oneself. Sometimes it's wrong, but at times, it can be helpful. Once I had diagnosed myself, I embarked on a new journey. 

My problems of rising and falling moods, nightsweats, and so on, didn't instantly vanish.  I wasn't given the complete picture of what God wanted next for me. In retrospect, I can now tell you a midlife crisis is something to walk through.

For me, it required speaking boldly to my physician about everything. And she suggested I see a mental health therapist. Of course, I also did a lot of reading and praying. 

I had so many deep thoughts, I felt sharing them with a run-of-the mill friend or relative would cause them to stop being friends or laugh me out of the room.  I looked into the therapist my doctor recommended, but she had no open spots for months. I needed help NOW! So I looked into the options provided by my husband's work health plan. I found that sharing my heart by email with an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) counsellor was helpful for that time. I used a couple of different ones who cited they were Christian based. And they were very reassuring. 

And later, as I went through life coach training myself,  I hired three different life coaches at different times. 

I really needed a trusted friend to share life with. But I didn't have a bestie (as they say) where I lived in Winnipeg--one of the places we had job transferred to. 

I have a longtime history of living life as a loner with social anxiety, am an introvert, have low self-confidence, experience bouts of melancholy, and I have had enough experiences to not know whom I can trust. I'm from a family of five siblings and growing up was tumultuous. Even siblings have had their own viewpoint of life growing up which didn't match mine. So sharing life concerns with them can be troubling. 

I'm only now coming to terms with the idea the above-noted traits are how God made me and I have nothing profoundly wrong with those parts of me. 

If you have a good and trusted friend to talk to, that may be just as good as therapy for yoiu. But if you're like me, not a good friend maker, knowing who to share what with can be troublesome. There are many things a woman doesn't want to share with just anyone. So do hire a therapist online or in person. And do try working with a life coach. 

HOW LIFE COACHING HELPED ME

Dealing with troubling feelings and not knowing where to find answers can provoke a lot of fear in a woman. 
Prayer works, but it was clearly not all that I needed. I'd been trying to pray "those feelings" away many times.  

Finally, other than casting my cares on God, it was helpful to have a Christian Life Coach to cast my cares on. Each prayed over my concerns.  That in itself was worth the money.

FINDING A COACH

If you're interested in walking through your midlife crisis with a life coach, my suggestion is to look for a coach that seems to gear her practice towards the themes you feel most troubled about. In other words, unless you want to work on building a business, don't choose a coach that specializes in business-building, but if you want to change careers, do choose a career coach.

There are many general life coaches around. Do an online search and try out a few sessions with one.

What are You Looking for Help with? Midlife Crisis, Menopause, or Life Purpose?

 

(Re-write of 2014 article)

My theme here often and with my coaching tools is midlife crisis.  I realize by using that term, I ostracize many.  That's because either those in a crisis don't want to think in those terms, or readers simply are not in a crisis every day. Nevertheless, I am revamping previous blog posts and you will see many on midlife crisis in the future. 

It was recently pointed out to me I could write on menopause. Why?  Because I spent 10 years going through it! The phase before menopause is called perimenopause. It is complex. The changes it brings to the body and mind can be connected to midlife crisis feelings too.  

For a time, I didn't want to give midlife crisis or menopause any weight or make either a topic of focus, but since writing on it I've had many readers. There is a need to vulnerably cover these issues. These are real issues that many women, Christian or secular, want help for. 

There have been several challenges I've faced myself due to the change of life. I address some of it in my eBook.  What I do want to say is: if either of these topics is what brought you to this blog today, my advice to you is to--be patient with yourself, pamper yourself, be your own advocate, find help for troubling emotions, build a team of support around you as best you can and, basically, don't do anything drastic like sell all your possessions, have a meltdown at work, or leave your husband.

I also write on life purpose. That is a common search topic of midlife women. I trained as a life purpose coach--a process that takes a woman through a number of probing questions. You can find the handbook I used here. Each week, as her coach, I'd meet with my client by phone to hear her discoveries after she worked on one of the chapters.  The goal was to help her tie together life threads that would help her see who God made her to be and what mission he might want her to work on. 

In my eBook, I do talk somewhat about this theme as well.  After going through the coaching process with many women, I'm not sure how effective it was in helping them narrow down one life purpose. The idea of finding one big purpose is a little overblown, in my opinion. My interpretation is that life holds a variety of purposes for most women. I mean, for example, when a woman becomes a mom, there are a gazillion purposes in that role she will fulfill. But many women discount it looking for something with a title--something more fulfilling. That isn't to say a woman isn't also supposed to enjoy a career or ministry. She can. But it is her God-given gifts she uses in her job or ministry that are part of her purpose, not the job title itself.

And, of course, the Word of God points out our primary purpose: to love God and our neighbours.  

So the pursuit of life purpose, in my opinion, is very involved. And it changes depending on your life phase.   

How I Live My Purpose

For years, I wanted nothing more than to nail down one big purpose for myself. In 2007, I thought life coaching would be it. But I was disappointed. Instead, I poured myself into becoming a freelance web content writer. 

When I received a high-paying writing assignment one day, I felt the way I'd longed to feel for some time--being paid what I felt I was worth as a writer--confirmation of my calling.  It felt good.  But since I write freelance, once one assignment was done, I needed my next.  The feeling of living my purpose wasn't sustainable.  

So I want to caution women that they may not find the perfect answer about what their life purpose is.  Please, don't frustrate yourself looking for it. Instead, live each day in the place God has called you to. Do all for the glory of God and don't fret about wanting to do something more important. 

My life journey has been multi-directional.  Now, I ask God what he has on the agenda for me each day. My prayer is:

"Please direct me into what will be the best use of my time and energy." 

I say energy in that prayer because I'm very aware that I don't have the same physical energy I did when I was younger. I need to pace myself. And so I look to God to give me wisdom on a daily, minute-by-minute basis. 

That writing assignment was unexpected.  I didn't go hunting for it.  It found me. And it was a great surprise. Also over the last three years, I was involved in a confidential volunteer project. Again, it found me. And it was very fulfilling. 

 

But truth be told, it works against my personality to live this way--collecting manna day by day. But that's been how God's called me to live it seems.  It may very well be the way God wants you to live too--not finding one BIG answer, merely living out each challenging day as it's presented.

  Psalm 32:8- The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. 

I will advise you and watch over you." 

Do you believe it?

Proverbs  16:9— ”A man’s heart plans his way, 

but the Lord directs his steps."

Have you experienced this?

Proverbs  1:33 declares- 

“But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil.”

Do you want this for yourself?

Midlife Blog Reboot

Several years ago now, mid-2000s, I came upon the career and calling called Life Coaching. I was clearly in midlife at the time and so desperate for something new and inspiring.

As a Christian woman, I saw how adding in Christian values could make the coaching process so much more successful for anyone being coached. I was ecstatic that I'd finally found 'my thing'. And so I paid the tuition to enrol in the training, went through extensive coaching for myself, carried out required probono work to become certified, and then coached many clients across North America by telephone. 

But my midlife angst wasn't satisfied. In between clients, there was nothing to do. So I went out and found a job in an office--something I'd done before leaving the workforce to raise my children. 

I had always promised myself to return to the workforce. I missed it. Prior to having children, I could think of no other life. But finding my way back was hard. I applied to umpteen jobs, which of course meant umpteen rejections. I had several interviews, and was smacked in the face at what I hoped to hide but couldn't--that I'd been out of the workforce for at least 10 years by then. 

Ageism is real. I was in my mid-forties. One employer rudely joked that my experience was 10-years old. But he offered me the position anyway--for low pay--lower than the minimum wage here in Canada, and I took it. 

And I saw how in a mere 10-years things had changed. I'd stayed updated on Microsoft products and my typing speed was still very high, but it was the way business was done that was disappointing. No one talked to each other. People dressed casually--something I didn't know how to do. And most employees kept their offices paperless. 

Added to these changes, I was expected to learn a complicated accounting system, answer incoming calls, draft legal documents, and make outgoing accounts receivable calls. All for $10 an hour - a third of what I was paid before leaving the workforce. 

For a short time, I had new self-esteem. I can't pinpoint why exactly apart from getting a paycheck finally and getting out of the house. But my hours were within the children's school day hours and they'd never see me leave for work or come home. Neither would my husband, so even my own family didn't cheer me on as I'd hoped. 

I wanted to make it work and took notebooks home to try to understand the complex system. But I suffered with stress headaches and felt confused. And then I quit. 

Art Doodle by Rosalie Garde

Once I returned to the homefront, when I couldn't obtain another part-time job, I took on several work-from-home jobs and volunteer roles, and finally became a freelance writer--a dream I had since in my twenties. 

And for what I might do with my coach training and ministry focus, it made sense to combine my love of writing with life coaching. But I would not coach clients one-on-one, instead, I would make and sell self-coaching tools--ebooks, if you will, where a woman could prompt herself, go on her own journey, gain insight, and grow out of her rut.  

Life Coaching is a tool many women 
use today to gain 
direction, support, and accountability, 
so  they can move forward. 

Art table, Rosalie Garde

And then I had an epiphany about midlife in my late 40s. I was in a long period of perimenopause and all its challenges. I became severely depressed, isolated, lonely, and lacking stimulation. I googled the term 'midlife crisis' and my eyes were opened. But I saw a glaring gap in writings for Christian women facing a midlife crisis. Sometimes, knowing Jesus is not enough!

I desperately wanted answers for how to get out of my rut and wanted a Christian point of view. 

God knew about my struggles but I needed more help. I finally was brave enough to tell my family doctor I was depressed. And with the medication she prescribed required I sign on with a mental health therapist. 

Part of my epiphany was that perhaps many of the women I had coached had been in a midlife crisis too. And, for me, putting a label on the problem helped. 

So, with more research and revelation, I wrote a self-coaching tool with them in mind. 

16 Essential Steps to Help You Walk Through Your Midlife Crisis: A Self-Coaching Tool for Midlife Christian Women (Self-Coaching Tools for Midlife Christian Women Book 

Fast Forward 

I started this blog way back then too but eventually grew bored especially once I moved beyond midlife. 

From 2021 until recently, I was involved in another special project. It was engrossing and exciting. The work was confidential so I can't share about it. And now that project is being put to rest, and here I am again wondering about my next step. 

I haven't quite heard from God about the full plan of what I'll do now that I'm semi-retired from my work-from-home projects, but I have decided to put my former blog posts into draft with the intention that I'll write fresh posts or rewrite those I still agree with. 

The first old post I decided to review had this list of possible topics that I may cover going forward.

          

POSSIBLE TOPICS:

• Enjoying the Present and Finding Purpose

• Thriving as a Stay-at-Home Mom or Homemaker

• Seasons of a Woman's Life

• From Motherhood to Menopause

• Managing Wellness

• Mid-Life Challenges

• Moving Forward on Dreams and Goals 

• Removing the Clutter from your Mind or Even Your Home

• Strongholds, Wrong Beliefs, and God's Input
  
  
  

I hope you will join with me on this next phase of my journey whether you're in midlife, having a midlife crisis, having a great life you want to tweak, or if you are now beyond the midlife age as I am. 

I have a lot to write about!