Tossing and turning were yielding nothing. Sleep had evaded me once again, and troubled feelings were stirring. So I carefully reached for my fluffy robe and slid out of bed as quietly as I could. My husband slept soundly as I tiptoed out the door and down the stairs to the lower level office.
The brightness of the computer screen was blinding in the darkened room. Two-thirty was the time on the clock when I began my web search for answers for my chaotic feelings, and 4:30 was the time when I returned to bed and finally fell asleep.
For that two hours, I sat, in the quiet of the night, typing various combinations of words into the search bar. One phrase I typed in was one that I'd heard a lot about, but surely didn't think fit me, after all, I wasn't looking for a younger man or wanting to buy a sportscar (you know the old cliche?)
There I sat though, and typed the words:
WAS I HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS?
After reading a few of the descriptions for midlife crisis over several websites, I found a few points that resonated with me. One in particular convinced me that, yes indeed, what I was feeling had been experienced by other women my age (50 at the time). I realized right then that I must be in a similar state.
I wondered, "What if, in fact I was having a midlife crisis, would I find answers to help me eventually feel better? Or, would I be stuck feeling bad forever?"
I'd been experiencing feelings of panic and sadness off and on for some time by then, and insomnia had been regularly creeping in. Each time those troubling feelings arrived, I hated them!
Now that I'd somewhat diagnosed the condition, I wondered if I really had what would be needed to walk through the associated symptoms. I wondered if I would be capable of finding the answers I needed to be happy and balanced again. I wondered if I would ever reach the other side of it all.
In those early years I looked for help in many places. As a Christian, prayer was naturally where I started. I read widely as well—books by Christian authors who had walked through their own seasons of questioning and transition.
One of the practical steps that helped me was simply acknowledging that this was a real season of life that deserved attention. For some women, that may mean speaking with a physician about physical symptoms or hormonal changes. For me, it meant starting my first ever anti-depressant medication. For others, it may mean finding someone trustworthy to talk things through with—a therapist, pastor, mentor, or wise friend.
At the time, I also experimented with Christian life coaching. It was a concept I had never heard of before. Curious, I tried a few coaching sessions over the phone over several years with different coaches. I also signed up for mental health therapy.
Those experiences didn’t provide instant answers. My moods didn’t suddenly stabilize, and the bigger questions about purpose and direction did not resolve overnight. What they did provide was a space to think more carefully about my life at that stage. Not only was my body transitioning biologically into menopause, my role was too. I just didn't know where I was heading next.
Through reflection exercises and conversations, I began identifying some of the values that mattered most to me. I started seeing more clearly what had shaped my life up to that point, and what kinds of directions might still lie ahead.
Looking back now, I realize something important: the process itself was often more valuable than the answers I thought I was seeking.
Midlife crisis is a phase you walk through, not something you solve.
