Are You in the Midst of a Midlife Crisis? What Can you Do?

It's been awhile since I've written on midlife issues. But a new batch of women are now in midlife!

I have insight and knowledge so thought I should add a few more blog posts on the midlife topic. I don't need to know the reasons for doing so. I love writing, and if what I share speaks to even one woman, I've met a goal. 

Just today, I happened upon a story of a midlife woman that disappeared several years ago and was found deceased. Her husband said that just prior to her death she had changed. She was going out a lot. She was drinking more than usual. In the article, her husband said he thought she might be going through a midlife crisis.  

The husband was charged and found not guilty. They still don't know what happened to her. 

What I can agree with is that as a woman goes through perimenopause, her mental health can be compromised. There is even a window of vulnerability for women to be diagnosed with Schizophrenia, a serious mental health condition that affects how people think, feel, and behave.

Yes, many women fall into a phase one might describe as a midlife crisis. Typically, she feels bored, stuck in a rut, she craves more excitment in her life, she grieves the past and the younger woman she once was. 

Each woman who finds themselves in this precarious situation handles her journey in her own way. Some make radical changes (which I don't advise.) But no one wants a woman to end up dead as the woman in the story above did. 

My Journey

Here is a bit of my story: 

Tossing and turning were yielding nothing. Sleep had evaded me once again, and troubled feelings were stirring. So I carefully reached for my fluffy robe and slid out of bed as quietly as I could. My husband slept soundly as I tiptoed out the door and down the stairs in the dim light to the lower level office.

The brightness of the computer screen was blinding in the darkened room. Two-thirty was the time on the clock when I began my web search for answers for my chaotic feelings, and 4:30 was the time when I returned to bed and finally fell asleep.

For that two hours, I sat, in the quiet of the night, typing various combinations of words into the Google search bar. One phrase I typed in was one that I'd heard a lot but surely didn't think fit me, after all, I wasn't looking for a younger man or wanting to buy a sportscar (you know the old cliche?)

There I sat though, and typed the words:

"m-i-d-l-i-f-e   c-r-i-s-i-s".

WAS I HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS?

After reading a few of the descriptions for midlife crisis over several websites, I found a few points that resonated with me. One in particular convinced me that, yes indeed, what I was feeling had been experienced by other women my age (50 at the time). I realized right then that I must be in a similar state.

I wondered, "What if, in fact I was having a midlife crisis, would I find answers to help me eventually feel better? Or, would I be stuck feeling lost forever?"

I'd been experiencing feelings of panic and sadness off and on for some time by then, and insomnia had been regularly creeping in. A reocurring theme was that I felt constrained, stuck, craving change but not knowing what that change should be. Each time those troubling feelings arrived, I hated them.

Now that I'd somewhat diagnosed the condition, I wondered if I really had what would be needed to walk through the associated symptoms. I wondered if I would be capable of finding the answers I needed to be happy and balanced again.  I wondered if I would ever reach the other side of it all. I wondered what step I should take to help me move forward.

POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS FOR MIDLIFE CRISIS

At that time, I looked for solutions for my midlife crisis in all kinds of places. Of course, as a Christian, I prayed and sought out as much Christian-based material as I could that might put me on a course.

I know now that a midlife crisis isn't something a woman 'solves'. It is a journey to be walked through. For me, it took an incredible amount of introspection. It took bravery to talk to my physician to see if hormonal changes or depression were the issue. Both were. But my doctor chose to treat the depression saying hormone therapy wouldn't improve my mood. 

She wanted a commitment from me, though. She wanted me to go to a mental health therapist in tangent with taking the new anti-depressant. 

I folded the handwritten note she gave me and tucked it into my purse. On it was the name of a therapist she highly recommended. And, the next step on my journey was to book an appointment for the therapist and another to return to the doctor three months later.

But I soon met with more frustration. My period bleeding was going gangbusters. My depression was constnat. And the therapist was fully booked for several months with no openings to see me. The only thing I could do in that moment was cry. And crying led to headaches and more grief. 

My husband was concerned and comforting. He handed me a pamphlet he'd received in his work medical plan packet. It explained the process for working with an Employee Assistance Plan counsellor. EAP is a confidential program that provides aid and support to individuals facing personal or work-related problems. As a spouse on the plan, I could choose counselling by telephone or email which I saw was better than nothing at all. And confidential it was. I was given a code name for signing in on the therapist's platform so that no one else could read my messages. 

I would have preferred to see someone in person, but this was the first time I'd be going for therapy. I didn't want to go to just anyone. So in my inquiry, I asked if there were any Christian therapists I could use. 

I got my referall and decided to try the email counselling, and in a series of emails, poured out my heart. I shared with her what I'd tried to date. I shared my disapointments with finding work. I shared my disappointments about my life coaching practice not blossoming. I shared about the mood swings I was having related to periods--a new type of depression which I attributed to perimenopause. I shared about my fear of my children growing up. I loved them so much I couldn't picture a world without them in it. 

It was good to be validated and reassured. The therapist gave me hope for the future. I felt heard. And, in time, the anti-depressant kicked in. 

My problems of rising and falling moods, nightsweats, heavy periods, and so on, didn't instantly vanish.  But the anti-depressant helped. I wasn't given the complete picture of what God wanted next for in midlife. But I was comforted and strengthened to have a coach to work through many issues with. 

Dealing with troubling feelings and not knowing where to find answers can provoke a lot of fear in a woman. Some women make wrong turns during their midlife crisis. Some give up their marriage. Some quit their jobs. Some blame their family or husband for their unhappiness. For myself, it was key to deal with the depression, and then to have my thinking challenged with therapy and later the help of a Christian life coach. 

A New Season, A New Blog

 

I'm excited to announce the launch of yet another blog! 

I considered adding the new posts here to save time, but after some prayer and a timely email I received, I felt led to create a dedicated space on a new Blogger platform. This new blog dives into the growing conversation around the deconstruction of Christian faith. If you're curious about why church pews are becoming emptier, why your own desire to attend in person might be fading, or what others are doing in response, I invite you to tune in and explore these topics with me.

The new blog is here

An Update on my Stats and Thanks

Before I write a new post on a new theme, I thought I'd pause to say thank you to all who have visited this blog. If you were wondering why I keep it up, it's because it still gets 'views'. And, it's a great place for me to express myself. 

Here are the latests stats. 

Back in the early days, I had access to more analytics Blogger offered with the simple click of a link. I was able to see what visitors had typed into the search bar to arrive here. I was able to see what part of the world visitors came from. That gave me insight into what topics to study and write on. But as Blogger evolved, they changed that tool and it all became so complicated. So I can only guess how visitors arrived here and from where. I can only guess what readers might be looking for.

The world has become self-serve. The makers of these apps seem to assume everyone is a tech guru. I'm just not that interested in learning more technical stuff these days! So I will enjoy what I do have access to and understand and pray no more big changes are made to Blogger. 

I've seen this blog grow and evolve over time as I've ploded along on my own evolving journey through midlife and beyond. The journey of writing posts has been a rewarding one--my own little place on the Internet where I can attempt to encourage women.

I've had seasons of not adding to the blog. The pandemic was part of that. The special project I got involved with in 2021 was part of that. The brain fog from #CFS has added to it. I've contemplated packing it up. I've asked God for insight. The fact that the blog still gets views after all this time is a reminder of why I continue. 

It’s not just the numbers I'm grateful for, I'm grateful for the personal space it offers me to reflect and express myself and to share about new things I've learned.

Your support means a lot and has kept me going! 

Stages of Life and the Feeling of Loneliness

Over the years, from childhood until now, I've been a stick-to-myself kind of person. Some might call it being a loner, others might say I'm an introvert. As a child, I had social anxiety. They called me shy. Even my parents didn't know what to think of it. And so I took it as though I was flawed. But now that I've raised a son with social anxiety, I have come to understand it completely. It's a genetic disposition, and it's not wrong or flawed. It's unique. 

I had trouble making friends as a child. But I wanted friends. I often felt lonely. By grade 8, I was so done with feeling awkward and God knew it. He led me to make a good friend with a girl named Sophie through our shared relationship in Home Economics Class. Sophie wasn't from my neighbourhood. Our class was combined with hers at another school so it was a relationship with no baggage. She would know little about me and the teasing I received at school often being called a cry baby. And I knew little of her background. Sophie accepted me for what she saw, and throughout highschool we were best friends. I thank God for her. 

In college, I made another best friend, Kathy. She was also a gift from God--one who was an extrovert and able to draw me out of my social anxiety. 

I treasured these friendships. But later in life, I learned that each of them had another set of friends, on the side, and maybe I was more invested in them than they were in me. 

As time went on and we moved apart, I still thought of them and a few others as my core friends--you know the ones you will treasure in your heart always. 

But relationshps were strained as we had each moved geographically apart. And in that era, there was no Facebook, email, texting, and so on. Our relationships faded, as they do in many cases. When I moved back home to Ontario fourteen years later, I hoped to pick up with old friends. But I sorrowfully discovered, most had moved on. Everything was different. I no longer had a core to rely on.

But I had my husband, Ty, a gift from God. My new best friend. 

Seasons of Change

I think many women will identify with the scenario above. And added to it, other life stages we travel through:

When our children are preschoolers, we make friends in moms groups. We mingle with others at the schoolyard. Some might have joined the school council or participated in sports teams. I had to mingle with dance moms, but I was never that kind of dance mom! I was still introverted and liked to stick to myself most of those years. And, again, I was often lonely. 

I joined women's daytime Bible studies, always getting to know a new group of women. I cried at church signup once realizing the women I'd just begun to know in the last bible study group had all dispersed into new groups. Occasionally, women reached out to me, but I had a wall up. I can't explain why, but it was just harder to make friends as an adult.

I pretended everything was going great, of course. I entertained my children's friends, and sometimes chatted with their parents. I was in a high school prayer moms prayer group for a time which I'm thankful for.

Moving On

Later, we moved provinces again. I joined a gym where I found  comraderie with others in a similar life stage. But for me, I still had strong boundaries. I was a Christian and non-Christian jokes and activities like a focus on alcohol and playing cards were offputting. (I was brought up to not do such and haven't shed that old framework.) 

Working from home, I was often lonely. But it suited my introverted self. I was able to earn a little pay while also manage my home and family. I was free to drive my highschool son where he needed to go and free to take healthy meals to my daughter who was living at a nearby university campus. I was still living vicariously through my children in my main role as wife and mom. 

At that time, my dog was my best friend. We went so many places no one else in my family ever knew about. And socializing at the dog park was good for me too. 

Pandemic

My husband and I had been in and out of the empty nest several times by the time the pandemic hit. A few things I was involved in stopped due to the pandemic, including my gym group and church.

When the pandemic hit, I did well, initially. I was used to living life on my terms, working from home. I don't think I felt any more isolated than I had been before the pandemic.

As time ticked on, though, I craved socialization, as we all do. I found a church with an afternoon time and visited every second Sunday. They were friendly, but those who founded the church new each other, some were related, and most were Spanish speaking and difficult to understand due to their strong accents. They were younger. I didn't feel there was anyone in my peer group to make me feel a sense of connection. 

Reaching Out

During this era of starting over as many of us midlife women are in the empty nest trying to make friends as adults, life is complicated. Many retire at this life stage and lose automatic workmates even. 

I can't tell you how many times I would receive a daily emailed devotional where the topic was our need for friendship, koinonia, community, and so on and I couldn't read it. Perhaps the Bible does teach us the need for such, but making it happen can be much harder for many of us. 

Nevertheless, in such times, I encourage myself in the Lord. I look to him to help me rebuild in this complicated life phase. And if this describes where you're at too, please join in this prayer with me: 

A Prayer for New Relationships, Guidance, and Peace

Heavenly Father,

I come before You with a humble heart, seeking Your guidance and grace in this season of my life. You know my desire for new relationships, for friends who will uplift and support me, and for a community where I can both give and receive love and encouragement.

Lord, I ask for Your direction in building these new connections. Show me the paths I should take and the places I should go to meet people who will become true friends. Give me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and the wisdom to recognize the opportunities You place before me.

Help me to be open and approachable, reflecting Your love in all my interactions. Teach me to listen, to understand, and to offer kindness to those I meet. Guide me to those who need a friend as much as I do, so that we can support each other in our journeys.

In this time of rebuilding after the pandemic and after raising a family, when so many connections have been strained or lost, grant me patience and perseverance. Remind me that Your timing is perfect and that You have a plan for me, even when I cannot see it clearly.

Lord, I also pray for peace with the life You have given me right now. Help me to find contentment and joy in the blessings I have. Teach me to cherish the relationships I do have, to nurture them with love and care, and to trust that You are always with me, even when I feel alone.

Thank You, Father, for Your constant presence and unfailing love. May Your peace, which surpasses all understanding, guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I trust in Your promise that You will never leave me nor forsake me.

In Jesus' name, I pray.

Amen.

Embracing Uniqueness: Navigating Midlife Transitions with Grace and Individuality

I recently connected on social media with a couple of women who have started a movement for women who had powerful professional careers but who were now retired. What they offer is intriguing on some levels, but it's easy for me to see it's not really my cup of tea. 

From age 36 and on, my calling changed from working as an executive assistant to become a career mother and, later, life coach and writer. I held no professional credientials as these women did, but I knew beyond a doubt I was doing what my heart suggested I should do. 

These women, had been career lawyers. Throughout their careers, they reportedly held parties and enjoyed dressing sharply. Now, in retirement, they still love to entertain and dress sharply, with a few changes. It was funny to hear one say their retired male counterparts aren't exactly dressing nicely now that they're retired. 

We're All Unique

We are all unique. It's exciting to hear others' stories and learn from them. And it's great to see our differences and rest in who we are. I dislike entertaining. My career clothes are jeans, leggings, jeggings, tunics, and T-shirts. My worldview is vastly different from theirs but I still tune into their videos now and then.

As I listened to these women, it struck me that since I'd worked from home for so many years, I'd already navigated many of the challenges they were just now encountering concerning life lived from home base. Some of the questions that faced them included: 

Where to find community. 

How to explain to others what they do. 

How to keep a sense of identity once they are no longer identified by their job. 

Art by Rosalie Garde

Most midlife women struggle with these questions. I've tackled them on and off for years. Have you?

My perspective has grown and evolved as I've now entered my older adult years and call myself semi-retired. But one thing has never changed, and that is what I know about how God sees all women. We are all equal in God's eyes whether we are or have been in high-paid professional careers or not! And in that truth, I find my rest.

God creates us all with unique gifts, abilities, and callings. Some of us are better at cleaning and organizing a home than others are. Some are better at smoozing and fundraising for charities than others are. Some women are salon owners who are great at doing hair. Others are engineers who take care of multimillion dollar civil projects in their cities. Others are cut flower gardeners/sellers. 

Doodle Art by Rosalie Garde

Stop the Comparing

Rather than comparing ourselves with others or feeling less than, it's better to celebrate who we are and where God has placed. Having contentment and joy in our livelihood is better than loathing it. And tough luck if women around us don't understand our choices. 

Most of us have realized that all through life we remake ourselves. Sometimes we struggle. That's pretty common. 

These recently retired women mentioned above are on a mission to figure out who they are "now" and then to share their discoveries with newly retired or about-to-retire women. I'm sure many will flock to them. 

My advice is that it's okay to be curious about new programs offered on social media. It's okay to take lessons from others. But most importantly, it is the voice of the Holy Spirit we need to follow.

Always continue being the person God created YOU to be. Give yourself a pat on the back for how far you've come.

Are you in Perimenopausal Depression and Looking for Answers?

 

Me at age 50

At age 48 and onwards, I dealt with episodes of depression during which I would often feel overwhelmed with a profound sense of sadness and a strong desire for answers. I call them episodes because they arrived monthly and lasted two or three weeks at the end of a period, clearing up again until the next period arrived. 

This depression was different than PMS which usually struck me before a period. When I shared my story with my doctor, she didn't see any correlation to my hormones.  But I was certain these debilitating episodes I hated were related to my changing hormonal cycle. I was, after all, in perimenopause.

At the time, I also experienced heavy menstrual bleeding, accompanied by intense night sweats and hot flashes during the day. (As a result of hot flashes, for the next 15 years, I would rarely wear a sweater.)

Art by Rosalie Garde
Find more on Facebook or Instagram

What about HRT?

Some women opt for HRT (hormone replacement therapy) to relieve certain symptoms, while others choose to manage the symptoms on their own. I tried to manage my depression with supplements. But none were working. Inwardly I begged to try an antidepressant but I was afraid of doing so. There was still a stigma associated with them in my mind.

My doctor at the time told me no HRT would help with the depression even if they were a contributor. Instead, she prescribed an anti-depressant and recommended that I sign up for mental health therapy. I did. 

Some women may not even realize that they are experiencing depression related to hormones. They blame other things--a midlife crisis, the lack of a job, their husband, the city they live in, their lack of friends, cash, their children, and so on. This can be dangerous. Seeking help to address the root of the depression is important, though it can be a long journey to walk through. What I mean is, certainly life factors can contribute to depression. Changes may be needed. But often depression of this nature is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. Tweaking it may make a difference with how you cope with life's challenges.

Once we moved and I started with a new doctor, I continued on the same anti-depressant and received great advice for the hot flashes. The doctor said when I could no longer stand the hot flashes she'd prescribe HRT. 

Not too long after that conversation, I returned to her office. There, I sat on her examining table drenched in sweat, the paper sheet stuck to me. She was convinced. Once I began HRT (around age 53), the night sweats and hot flashes stopped almost instantly.  (A couple of years later, I weaned off them feeling I'd gotten over the worst of it.) 

Other Coping Strategies

It is important to recognize that some women are helped through menopausal challenges by getting more rest, broadening their social circle, spiritually feeding their souls, and sometimes signing up for mental health therapy with a licensed therapist as I did. Others will take an antidepressant. 

If you're struggling with midlife challenges, don't struggle alone. Find another woman to share with, if possible. Gather professionals around you to provide guidance. My doctor referred to this as building my 'team'. My team includes a mental health therapist as needed, my family physician, a naturopath now and then, social connections when I can get them, my massage therapist, my church, and so on. 

If you're married, share your concerns with your husband. Tell him what it is you need from him. For me that included telling him when I needed a hug, empathy, understanding, conversation, to get my 10,000 words out (that women are apparently in need of) and so on. Explain to him that he is not the problem, but you need to get a grip on your emotions since perimenopause is tricky to navigate. Thank him for his support. 

POINTS TO PONDER

• There are solutions for hot flashes/night sweats. If they get intolerable, speak to your doctor.
  
  
• Mental health therapy with a certified counselor when depressed can be very helpful, don't fear it.
  
  
• Don't be afraid to take an anti-depressant medication recommended by your doctor if your brain chemistry needs tweaking.
  
  
• Research HRT. There is much that debunks former fears. Talk to others who take HRT and hear their thoughts. 
  
  

Stay encouraged with this quote from Rick Warren from The Purpose Driven Life, page 31:

"If you have felt hopeless, hold on!

Wonderful changes are going 

to happen in your life

as you begin to live it on purpose.

God says, "I know what I am planning for you...

'I have good plans for you,

not plans to hurt you.

I will give you hope and a good future.'"

"God is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of--infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes."

Are You Facing Challenges of PeriMenopause or Menopause?

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Doodle Artwork by R. Garde
Canadian Artist

Years ago, I read a book geared to the different stages of a woman's life, including perimenopause and menopause. These chapters could have easily been entitled "Midlife Crisis and Women."

I say this because aside from describing the physical challenges a woman faces during this phase, it shared stories about the emotional and mental challenges that some women also face.

Women described their stories like this [revised from memory]:

...I had hot flashes at inconvenient times. I always felt  I needed to announce them, but my husband really didn't want to know. But I wanted him to know because we're close in age and I wanted us to go through this together! After all, if my fertility were drying up, shouldn't he be aware of it? Isn't it the end of "our" fertility?

...I noticed new wrinkles on my face and a double chin. I needed to colour my hair more often. 

...No matter how hard I exercised I continued to gain weight, I hated my reflection. I didn't like seeing photos of myself. 

...I wanted to look great at my daughter's high school graduation, but I felt frumpy and self-conscious. I wanted my husband to be attracted to me, but he was getting really lousy (or lazy) about giving me compliments--when I needed them most..." Who was I turning into? I missed the old cute me.

Doodle Artwork by R. Garde
Canadian Artist

MIDLIFE WOES

Many women in midlife women have complaints common to those described above.

Topics such as these are rarely addressed in Christian circles, at work, or even in family circles. I once brought up at a Christian women's breakfast that I was dealing with horrific hot flashes. A woman nearby said, "Oh, I faced that years ago." And changed the conversation.

I don't know if I expected someone at our table to share solutions or to tell their own story of hope. I don't recall why I even shared that detail, but I do know that I tend to blurt out how I'm feeling without thinking.

Many women seem to pretend they're okay or joke about the menopausal process, not revealing their own inner turmoil.  But why the secret?

FACING CHALLENGES  

Not every woman may feel she has midlife challenges. Some get few noticeable symptoms related to perimenopause or menopause. My mother-in-law insisted she noticed nothing unusual. 

But for those who do have noticeable changes, it can sometimes help to label them and to understand that many other women have similar challenges. It can help to hear what steps other women have taken to journey through the phase.

More artwork can be found here: 
https://fineartamerica.com/profiles/rosalie-garde

Disruptive Challenges of 

Perimenopause and Menopause 

Several challenges associated with perimenopause or menopause can significantly disrupt the daily lives of women. For example, persistent depression may afflict some, defying resolution despite their efforts. Others may find themselves needing excessive amounts of sleep, while some battle with chronic insomnia, which can significantly impair their daily functioning.

Moreover, symptoms like hot flashes or menopausal migraines can monopolize a woman's life, posing hurdles to the completion of routine activities.

These symptoms of perimenopause and menopause can go on for years.

FIND HELP AND ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER

The Bible does not typically suggest discussing menopause or midlife crises when encouraging or helping others who are struggling. However, when women share their feelings, struggles, and solutions, they can help each other.

A Divorce Memoir

 

An acquaintance of mine is sharing her story on this blog and in a memoir she wrote during the pandemic. She felt compelled to write her story after a friend made a glib remark about Amy's past marriage.

Amy, by this time, never talked about her previous marriage and that her friend would bring it up so many years later shocked her.

"She could never know the depth of what I went through." Amy shared. "It is sad that she has framed me as that crumpled bride I was so many years ago. I am not that woman."

So Amy decided it was time to write her story knowing fullwell the friend would never read it, but should anyone read it, she could possibly feel valildated.

Perhaps you will support her by reading her blog or buying her book available in digital form on Amazon.

What story do you have to tell? Have you written your story into a blog or ebook? Have you shared it on social media or with a professional therapist? Is it time to share those details?

Are You in a Midlife Rut?

Are you a Christian woman who loves God but feels stuck in a rut where your personal life is concerned? 

I completely understand the concept of a Christian woman experiencing a midlife crisis. When she was younger, she had her whole life ahead of her. However, as she enters midlife, lots of changes have occurred. 

Some mothers are ready to move on, but their teenage children still need them. I ran the van shuttles, helped shop for prom and grad dresses, drove my daughter to dance classes and son to band practices, arranged for the inlaws to fly in and stay with us in time for my daughter's high school graduation and undertook the prep work for moving our home that would happen a few weeks later. I was busy. But I hadn't moved on in life yet. I dreamt that the upcoming move would solve the answer to my midlife query of what to do with myself in my next life stage that would be fulfilling--where I'd be seen, heard, acknowledged and, perhaps,  paid what I'm worth. 

I trusted God's timing and knew God had ordained our last move. But after our move, I still had to organize the new house, settle each kid into university dorms and run to fetch the kids or bring them groceries for another several years. I didn't just go off to work like many women do though I was able to sell content articles as a freelance writer and do part-time transcription work from home. Those ARE jobs, but in my mind, they were not ideal jobs. I didn't give myself credit due. And part of the reason was because I was still behind my own four walls. I even wrote under pen names. And, what I really needed was socialization to help me feel seen and valuable.    

Not all parents are as doting as I've been, but putting parenting first was a priority I couldn't shake. And in that role, though I knew it was where I needed to be, I felt hidden like a nobody.  

And I see now that over the years I was constantly fighting the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) and feeling life was passing me by. Yet, I really was living the life of my dreams.  

Accept Yourself 

Finally, I decided that striving to find a greater calling was a stronghold. Focusing on what I didn't have dragged me down more than uplifted me. I would be better off accepting the life God had spelled out for me and telling myself I was enough. 

I've thought of writing a book on acceptance because we are constantly bombarded by self-improvement advice that tells us to change and fix ourselves. But peace is found in noticing the good we carry out and accepting where God has placed us, not fighting it. 

Over time, I have learned to observe my body's behaviour in relation to eating, sleeping, energy, and enjoyment as I started getting more time for myself. As a result, I have created a routine that includes sleeping in, two-hour coffee time after waking with some reading and browsing the internet, followed by completing tasks and dedicating time to work on my passions.

I came to the realization that everything I dedicate my time to can be considered my job. By viewing my life as a calling, responsibility, and job, I am able to create a framework that allows me to better prioritize and focus on what needs to be done, and I am at peace. 

Walking Through Midlife as a Stay-At-Home Mom

Were You/Are You a Stay-At-Home Mom? How is Your Midlife Journey Going?

Your journey as a Christian midlife woman can be enriching and challenging, filled with achievements, moments of reflection, personal growth, and spiritual renewal. Some midlife women reach a pinnacle of career success in midlife. They're doing what they love to do.

For others, midlife can be filled with new emotional and physical challenges, questions, and doubts. I know because I've been there. I've walked through it.

My Midlife Journey

In midlife, I was an at-home mom looking for the next thing to do for myself beyond the home. Because my husband travelled for work and we took job transfers moving across the country a few times, we agreed it made sense for me to stay home to be the main caregiver of the children and maintainer of the household. It just made things a lot easier for us, myself included. And, it was where my heart was. I believe that's the choice God led me to.

By midlife, the children were reaching important milestones and, as a mother, I was happy to do my best to support them. However, I couldn't help but feel my world had become too small. I yearned for something new, but I was unsure what that might be.

I wasn't prepared to launch into a full-time job outside the home. I looked at part-time opportunities instead besides the office cleaning I did at my husband's business office and the newspaper delivery route I took over for my son who failed to do the work. I took those jobs to stay busy and earn a bit of money, but I felt pitiful doing them. I felt like a martyr. I cried often wondering if that was all God had for me.

Looking into new opportunities was an exercise in frustration. I looked at courses to take. I looked at various jobs advertised. I ended up confused and lost.

The journey was very different from looking for work as a twenty-something-year-old. I encountered ageism or whatever you might call it. By then, I was in my mid-forties. During one interview, the interviewer made a sarcastic remark about my work experience saying "But that was ten years ago!"

The Calling and Cost of Being an At-Home Mom

Yes, at-home moms who choose the role as I did, do end up in a bit of a quagmire later on. They want to be seen, heard, and paid for their intellect just as anyone does.

I had a friend who became an at-home mother for a few years before heading back to the workforce. She said her return to work was based on a desire for mental stimulation. I get it. I don't blame her. She had credentials for more and bigger as a professional engineer.

I'd tasted and seen the benefits of being in the paid workforce before I had children. I missed the camaraderie, the pay, and the feeling that I'd spent my day well. Just before the birth of my first child, I'd promised myself to never quit working. So that promise became a stronghold that was hard to shake loose from for years--another cause of midlife restlessness. I felt I'd betrayed my promise to myself. But there were the children to consider. And they got out of school at 2:30. I didn't want them to be latch-key children left on their own.

But just as my friend expressed, I had a desire for greater mental stimulation too. That became the root of my restlessness for many years. I begged God for the right fit - a fulfilling part-time job that would allow me to be home in time for my children's care - because my family responsibilities would always come first. It's how I am wired.

Finally, at one point, I was hired for a job from 10 am to 2 pm as an Administrative Specialist. They offered me such low pay, it was a joke. On the surface, it seemed obvious I should take it though and perhaps work my way back into the workforce. And though there was a check in my spirit, I went ahead with it.

I won't get into it all here but enough to say I hated it and quit after 8 months. I guess I learned what I needed to learn, but it was mostly a negative experience. It was not fulfilling. And since my husband was at work all day and the children at school, neither would appreciate my efforts or see me dressed up in my work clothes.

2 Chronicles 15:7  But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”

The Bind an At-Home Mom Finds Herself In

The at-home midlife mom will never fully be valued by anyone else besides her children and God. And some moms will question whether they'd chosen well to remain an at-home mom for so many years.

Second-guessing can be part of midlife life inquiry, but for women of God, it's more valuable to trust that God led her to the right path he wanted her to take whether it be for a season or long-term.

God is Faithful 

I will say that through all the years, fears, and doubts, God continued to take care of us and reward my husband with promotions and pay increases. It took time, but we prospered without a second big income from me. And, often, I have had to put to death my sorrow over not being paid what I feel I'm worth even later as a freelance writer. 

I've resigned myself to these thoughts:

1. Trust God has put me where I'm meant to be. 

2. Listen for nudges no matter how silly and follow them.

3. Doing God's work is in the little daily events, not always in jobs with titles and pay. 

4. Trust God to lead me forward day by day.

5. Deal with midlife physical issues as they arise finding the right support.

6. Be alert to outside voices or the enemy's voice that brings discontentment, accusations, or feelings of boredom.

7. Don't compare my life to anyone else's. 

8. Trust that God will say "Well done good and faithful servant" despite my career choice. 

9. The world changes and it's not my fault.

10. Instead of spending precious time comparing myself to others or feeling lowly, focus on my mission in life - to write, to love, to serve, to encourage, and to uplift others.

Things to do when you don't know what to do:

When you drive past a school, pray for its safety, and its students...

When you drive past a person on the street, pray for them.

When you greet a clerk, smile and be friendly.

When you see an opportunity to donate or give, do it.

Go for lots of walks.

Get out in nature.

Read good books.

Go for a massage.

Go for counselling, and if that's not needed, spend time with someone who cares.

Write your prayers to God. 

Take notes when you read encouraging messages. 

Encourage others on social media. 

Create art no matter how good or bad you are at it. 

Take your turn as a volunteer or feel free to say no it's not for me. 

 

Are you in Perimenopause?

I originally wrote this in 2010, but it's worth sharing now as more midlife women enter this life phase. 

Women between 35 & 51 (typically) may be considered to be in a "peri-menopausal" phase hormonally.   Just as puberty brings an onset of change that a young person goes through over three to five years, peri-menopause brings on changes too-- a reverse puberty if you will--that can last anywhere from ten to fifteen years.

The symptoms of perimenopause may include night sweats and/or daytime hot flashes, crashing fatigue, irritability, mood swings, crying spells, depression, weight gain, headaches, brain fog and trouble with memory or concentration.  The symptoms may come and go. 

It's evident that enduring these symptoms over years can be incredibly frustrating and can significantly impact the quality of life for any midlife woman. If you're experiencing the symptoms of perimenopause, know that you're not alone. As a woman in this life phase, it's crucial to prioritize self-care and protect your well-being

"I don't have a cure or remedy for peri-menopause, but it's important to note that if you're feeling off lately - experiencing emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical challenges - it might be related to your hormones. It may not have anything to do with your husband, job, kids, or church."

Remember to ask the Lord to open your eyes and show you what is happening inside you that needs your attention. Share your concerns with Him and inquire if you should take any new steps to take better care of yourself. Additionally, talk to your partner or family members about your struggles so that they can understand what may be affecting your mood.

Partner with other trusted women for advice. And take a day at a time as you navigate this journey most of us take. Feel free to ask for help.