Life Beyond Children As they Grow

Are you at a point in your life where it is obvious your children need you less?  Do you sense a void?

I recall that feeling when my children were about 10 and 12 years old. I had been a fulltime at-home mom most of their life so the feeling to move onto something new was glaring. Yet, I was stuck not knowing which way to turn. I was still needed by them--to keep them on schedule, to feed them, to shop for them, to drive them where they needed to go--but I was desperate to get out and do something for myself. It's a common feeling. And it isn't one easily solved. 

Maybe you're now approaching the empty nest. Are you a little fearful of life in the empty nest? 

In my research, I've discovered it isn't just the stay-at-home mom that feels her very life being ripped from her side as her children grow and mature, it is all moms who've cared for their children, working moms and at-home moms alike. Though most won't admit it publicly, I'm sure most moms experience waves of chaotic feelings wash over them. And it's not wrong to have mixed emotions. Moms are nurturers. Having and raising children was a big deal. Putting her own interests aside for years to be there for the children was huge. 

The feelings and deciding what to do about them can be intense for some.

WHAT TO DO

It's easy to fear the future, but doing so doesn't help. And finding your next big adventure may not be easy--no matter how much you trust in God to show it to you.

You see, we have ideas in our minds for how life should unfold, but God often has different ideas. His answers, in my experience, are rarely instant. And they are rarely spelled out in full and long term. 

What is key is the right attitude. You can either have a pity party and doubt anything new is on the horizon, or you can trust you are right where God wants you and live out the duties right in front of you until something new crops up.  

The fruit of the spirit includes the makings of a good attitude and brings contentment. And contentment is gold. 

A ROADMAP

If you're looking for a roadmap as you attempt to move forward in your next life phase, you are welcome to use this list as a guide:

1. Face your feelings. Tap into what is troubling you. Grieve the changes, cry if you need to, journal your thoughts and questions. Get it all out.  Acknowledging your feelings is helpful. 

2. Don't get stuck there though.  If you find you're stuck there, seek the help of a therapist, life coach, other professional, or close friend.  

3. Remember that God is near to the brokenhearted and those who are crushed in spirit. Give him your burdens and then decide you will move on in faith. 

4. Start each day fresh. Don't bring yesterday's worries into today. 

5. Work on your body by stretching, lifting weights, or going for walks. Get outside and enjoy nature. 

6. Try activities that may help boost your self-esteem. That may include more frequent showers, updates to your cosmetics cabinet, a new hair colour, a new article of clothing, and redecorating your space.

7. Consider that all the little jobs you do matter in the bigger scheme of life whether they are mundane and boring or not. Even if you're not paid to do housework, it is a job--an important one.  

8.  Consider getting a pet.  Having a dog to walk or cat to cuddle and care for can help you transfer your need to nurture. If you're not into pets, try growing seeds or houseplants. You'll be required to nurture them too.  

9. Work on eliminating clutter to prepare your home space as somewhere you want to be for your next life phase. Donating what is no longer needed and organizing your space can be therapeutic. 

10.  When new ideas come, capture them. Make a list.  Even if you don't pursue them now you might want to in the future, so jot them down.  

11. God is great at putting new ideas into a person's mind and heart. Ask him for new vision. Listen for his still small voice.

12.  Look for opportunities to meet new people.  Join a church group, a walking group, or a gym group that works out together. Others need you just as much as you need them. They might also help link you to a new job or hobby.  

13.  Look into courses.  Upgrade rusty skills.  Learn things you need to know in this era of technology. 

14.  Try a new hobby or restart an old one.  What is it time to return to?

15.  Apply for jobs.  You'll never know if one's a good fit until you try.  

16.  Make the most of every opportunity. Talk to others when you are standing in line. Be open and friendly. 

No, the road beyond motherhood is not simple and easy, but God will instruct you and teach you where to go even if it is in what feels like baby steps. 

One of my pet cats over the years.

Learn About Your Personality and Serve God with It

Today's goal was to get to the pharmacy to pickup prescriptions. Now that I have a few medical issues, that is a regular adventure. But I'm glad I switched to a community pharmacy where my name is known and I'm warmly greeted. And, it's close to home. 

The more life moves on as we age, the more difficult it seems to find new friends or social connections. So I value short conversations with people like my pharmacist. Do you?

And as I was driving, thoughts flooded my mind. I find that happens in the shower and on walks too. These breaks in my day, when I pull away from the computer screen--and for many of you it would be your phone--is when life is processed.

I'd been reading comments on a Twitter (X) thread just before heading out. A woman had asked a question to others who are retired. She seemed to feel like every day in her life recently was the same as the day before and wondered if other retirees felt the same.

And as I drove later, I thought about my interactions on social media and life in general and the idea that most of us simply want to know we aren't the only one feeling as we do. Hearing someone share their struggles helps us. 

The more time I spend reading a variety of online material, the more I see that is where the most vulnerable thoughts are being shared. 

I thought about the feedback this woman was given. Some of it was great. Much resonated with me since I now call myself semi-retired. But some advice wasn't so great. That is often the type of advice from a person who hasn't walked in our shoes--who is not in the same life phase--or who has a different personality style. 

Personality Style 

I've been reading lately to learn more about my personality style. For far too long I figured there was something wrong with me. I was a shy child and only now do I know the term 'social anxiety'. I had it then, but instead of others understanding, I was teased about it. Since I have a son with it, I have a greater understanding. I don't push and prod him. I also have a daughter who is an extrovert. And I'm happy with how she lives her life. 

It is easy to feel like an oddball based on our personality type. But God made us each unique for his own purposes. Why should we criticize what God has made?

I pushed myself into being what they call an ambivert, by my 30s, but inside I'm still an introvert. The pandemic living proved it. I liked being home. 

Having transitioned from being a full-time mom to working freelance from home, I marveled at how well I navigated being home so much. Yes, I find joy in the security of my nest and appreciate the freedom to express my creativity without the constraints of criticism or office politics as I might experience in an office job. It's only now that I realize it's an intrinsic part of who I am, a design by God.

Instead of listening to advice from extroverts about all the wonderful things they think I should be doing like travelling, playing cards with the locals, and joining a 5K running group, I am focusing on embracing the way God made me. 

I enjoy long periods of deep thought, solitude, prayer, or meditative thinking. I prefer deep conversations online and in person and despise salesy type networking talk. I'm realistic about my flaws and try more and more to admit when I'm wrong. I spend my free time on creative aspects like creating artwork, taking photos, and writing. 

Watch Your Advice

Extroverts on the thread I read today came across as a little scolding--but that's my sensitive nature reacting. Some told the original poster (OP) that she needed to get out more, that her brain and body needed more stimulation, and went on to brag about their travels. I doubt any of these people knew this person personally and she hadn't shared many details about what else she does each day so it seemed a little judgmental to me. 

I tend to shudder when people use terms like "you need to" and "you should". Maybe a person doesn't need to do this or that. A favourite saying of mine is this: 

Just because a person CAN do something, doesn't mean they SHOULD do it.

Ask God What He Wants You to Do 

What matters is living life according to what God wants you to do.   

Psalm 139:16  “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed” (NLT). 

We are on earth to be reconciled to God, to listen for his voice, and to obey him. 

"Fear God and keep His commandments, because this is the whole duty of man” (Ecclesiastes 12:13, BSB).

There is no higher purpose than being a servant of the King of the universe (see Psalm 84:10).

Honour Your Uniqueness 

God created us each with a unique personality. He can use all of it. We will love others, encourage others, be a blessing, and serve God in the ways he has designed us to. But to be effective in his service, it's important we maintain a healthy self-image. To go forward with confidence and not self-doubt. 

That is something I'm working on. Are you?

I want to see myself as God's handiwork and see myself as he sees me. No self-loathing. No criticism. And I am working on believing the still small voice that tells me 

You're doing a good job, 

You're a hard worker, 

 God loves you immensely. 

I am leaning on trusting him to work out issues I might be tempted to worry about. I am leaning on him to work behind the scenes putting new opportunities in place for me. 

We are “God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10). 

How can you look at your personality style and use it in God's work? 

Keys to Reinvention in Midlife

Where are you in your midlife journey? Are you content, peaceful, and grateful? Or are you plagued with a restlessness you can't quite put your finger on?

Midlife can be a period of significant change and introspection for many women. There are umpteen reasons why midlife women might feel restless or experience bouts of boredom during this life stage.

It's important to note that these feelings can vary greatly from person to person, and not all women will experience them in the same way. Some common reasons for restlessness or boredom in midlife women include these: 

Empty Nest Syndrome: When children leave home or become more independent, mothers may experience a sense of loss and emptiness.

Career Stagnation: Some women may feel unfulfilled in their careers, especially if they've been doing the same job for a long time. This can lead to a desire for new challenges and opportunities.

Relationship Changes: Midlife often brings changes in relationships creating a sense of uncertainty and restlessness.

Physical Changes: The physical changes that come with menopause such as hormonal fluctuations and changes in appearance can impact a woman's self-esteem and contribute to restlessness or boredom.

Reevaluation of Life Goals: Midlife often prompts women to reevaluate their life path. Evaluation tends to take place. But too much introspection can lead to unecessary restlessness. Accepting the idea you are on God's path and that He thinks you've done a good job may be more helpful.

Loss of Purpose: Some women who have devoted a significant part of their lives to caregiving might struggle to find a new sense of purpose.

Health Concerns: Midlife can bring about health challenges, and dealing with issues like chronic illnesses or other health concerns including needed surgeries can be taxing.

Social Isolation: As children grow and a woman's social circles changes, women might experience a sense of social isolation, contributing to restlessness. 

Lack of New Challenges: Some women may feel that life has become too routine lacking new and stimulating challenges.

Existential Reflection: Midlife often prompts deep existential questions about the meaning of life and one's place in the world.  

Societal Pressures: Society often places expectations on women to maintain youthful appearances and continuously achieve in various life areas. These pressures can lead to a woman making comparisons to others which leads to restlessness and dissatisfaction.

On top of the above-noted in-depth causes of restlessness, a good summary is this: 

A common pursuit of many midlife 

women is to find life's "Holy Grail". 

This 'Holy Grail' might be typified by the words happiness, success, and fulfillment.  The search for this Holy Grail becomes more desperate to the midlife woman because she realizes she's been feeling less happiness, success, joy, and fulfillment lately. Life is moving quickly, and time is running out.  She knows she's sacrificed a lot for others and wonders: what is there for me? 

She may ask, shouldn't she have found my most excellent path by now?

When we consider God's will and ways, finding the Holy Grail as listed above isn't what He desires.  Perhaps this is why finding it is so elusive, because we were never intended to focus so much on these things--happiness, success, and fulfillment. Nor were we intended to focus on material pleasures and other cares of this world. 

Jesus did come to bring us abundant life, and he takes great joy in giving us good gifts. Make no mistake about that. But his utmost desire is for us to love him and others, seek his wisdom, and to be available for his purposes.  He encourages us to stir up our gifts, to abide with him, to be in fellowship with other believers, and to keep learning, growing, and maturing. 

Roles Change

All through life our roles change by sheer virtue of aging. Our careers change. Relationships change. Our children’s lives change. There is no stopping the process. 

There is no graduation ceremony for moms, so to speak.  There are no textbooks for a woman to study to spell out what is next. So often the restlessness moms feel is fear of the unknown. Wondering what lies ahead; sensing a need to reinvent themselves but at a loss to know how to do so. 

 

Are You Reinventing Yourself?

The search for re-invention and reinvigoration is an ongoing process. So let it be a 'process' without a predictable end in sight. To do this well, you'll need to learn to live in the moment, not the past, and not in fear of the future. You'll need to resist being hasty or judgmental. That is, walk through new circumstances without evaluating them harshly. Just let what is be what it is. 

When doubts assail you, refocus your thoughts on the present moment and be thankful for all you have. AND...STAY HOPEFUL. 

Here are a few more intentional steps you may want to take as you pursue your next life phase of reinvention:

1. Review the significant stages of your life thus far, if you haven't already. Divide them into chapters.  Look at God's hand all through each phase and be thankful. 

2. What chapter are you about to begin now? Be creative and give your next chapter a fancy title. 

3. In a journal, write a long list of questions to God about the upcoming chapter.

4. Ask God to put new desires into your heart.

5. Ask God to show you some simple steps to take on your desires.

6. Read a few devotional books as well as sections from a Bible and make note of what speaks to you that seems to coincide with your journal entries.

7. In the days ahead, look for confirmations and answers to your questions.

8. Search the Internet and take notes on what you find that spells out possibilities of new adventures. 

9. Work on adding regular exercise and fresh air into your routine.  

10. Come up with five to 10 words that describe you right now. 

Philippians 2:13 

"For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him."

What have you done lately to reinvent yourself? 

What tips do you have for others?

Quote by Tammy J. Hernandez

Midlife Crisis Tips for Moving Forward

Tossing and turning were yielding nothing. Sleep had evaded me once again, and troubled feelings were stirring. So I carefully reached for my fluffy robe and slid out of bed as quietly as I could. My husband slept soundly as I tiptoed out the door and down the stairs to the lower level office.

The brightness of the computer screen was blinding in the darkened room. Two-thirty was the time on the clock when I began my web search for answers for my chaotic feelings, and 4:30 was the time when I returned to bed and finally fell asleep.

For that two hours, I sat, in the quiet of the night, typing various combinations of words into the search bar. One phrase I typed into the search bar was one that I'd heard a lot about, but surely didn't think fit me, after all, I wasn't looking for a younger man or wanting to buy a sportscar (you know the old cliche?)

There I sat though, and typed the words:

"m-i-d-l-i-f-e   c-r-i-s-i-s".

This story is in my Amazon Kindle book 16 Essential Steps to Help You Walk Through Your Midlife Crisis: A Self-Coaching Tool for Midlife Christian Women 

WAS I HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS?


After reading a few of the descriptions for midlife crisis over several websites, I found a few points that resonated with me. I'd concurred with the descriptions of feelings of panic and sadness that had been washing over me on for some time by then. Insomnia had been regularly creeping in. Hot flashes abounded. The more I read, the more I decided I was in a perimenopausal midlife crisis.

I wondered, "Will I find answers to help me feel better? Or, will I be stuck feeling bad forever?"

Happy to Have a Diagnosis 

Google is great for diagnosing oneself. Sometimes it's wrong, but at times, it can be helpful. Once I had diagnosed myself, I embarked on a new journey. 

My problems of rising and falling moods, nightsweats, and so on, didn't instantly vanish.  I wasn't given the complete picture of what God wanted next for me. In retrospect, I can now tell you a midlife crisis is something to walk through.

For me, it required speaking boldly to my physician about everything. And she suggested I see a mental health therapist. Of course, I also did a lot of reading and praying. 

I had so many deep thoughts, I felt sharing them with a run-of-the mill friend or relative would cause them to stop being friends or laugh me out of the room.  I looked into the therapist my doctor recommended, but she had no open spots for months. I needed help NOW! So I looked into the options provided by my husband's work health plan. I found that sharing my heart by email with an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) counsellor was helpful for that time. I used a couple of different ones who cited they were Christian based. And they were very reassuring. 

And later, as I went through life coach training myself,  I hired three different life coaches at different times. 

I really needed a trusted friend to share life with. But I didn't have a bestie (as they say) where I lived in Winnipeg--one of the places we had job transferred to. 

I have a longtime history of living life as a loner with social anxiety, am an introvert, have low self-confidence, experience bouts of melancholy, and I have had enough experiences to not know whom I can trust. I'm from a family of five siblings and growing up was tumultuous. Even siblings have had their own viewpoint of life growing up which didn't match mine. So sharing life concerns with them can be troubling. 

I'm only now coming to terms with the idea the above-noted traits are how God made me and I have nothing profoundly wrong with those parts of me. 

If you have a good and trusted friend to talk to, that may be just as good as therapy for yoiu. But if you're like me, not a good friend maker, knowing who to share what with can be troublesome. There are many things a woman doesn't want to share with just anyone. So do hire a therapist online or in person. And do try working with a life coach. 

HOW LIFE COACHING HELPED ME

Dealing with troubling feelings and not knowing where to find answers can provoke a lot of fear in a woman. 
Prayer works, but it was clearly not all that I needed. I'd been trying to pray "those feelings" away many times.  

Finally, other than casting my cares on God, it was helpful to have a Christian Life Coach to cast my cares on. Each prayed over my concerns.  That in itself was worth the money.

FINDING A COACH

If you're interested in walking through your midlife crisis with a life coach, my suggestion is to look for a coach that seems to gear her practice towards the themes you feel most troubled about. In other words, unless you want to work on building a business, don't choose a coach that specializes in business-building, but if you want to change careers, do choose a career coach.

There are many general life coaches around. Do an online search and try out a few sessions with one.

Ways to Address Your Midlife Crisis

I find it a bit peculiar to be writing for my Midlife blog at this life stage given that I've already moved beyond the midlife phase. In fact, I'm on the brink of becoming an official senior next month as I celebrate my 65th birthday! Nonetheless, I'm aware that a fresh wave of women have entered the midlife stage and could benefit from some guidance. That's why I've decided to revisit and refresh some of the older posts I began crafting over a decade ago.

 

So What's All the Talk about Midlife Crisis?

I know women will do a search engine search for midlife crisis when they don't have another word to put on how they're feeling. I know because I did it so many years ago. When a woman finds herself in what she perceives as a "crisis" during midlife, her primary desire often centres around shedding unsettling emotions. However, the root causes of these feelings can be quite diverse.

Many women have experienced moments of joy and happiness, the sensation of a healthy body, and the pursuit of meaningful goals over their lifetime to date. They've known what it feels like to be affirmed and needed, desired even. Often, these are the emotions they yearn to reclaim.

For many women, a looming apprehension revolves around the future and the uncertainty it holds. That future might be described as years ahead, but more often it is simply the week ahead. They want to jump out of their emotional pain and into that exciting new adventure as soon as possible. 

As children grow and prepare to move on themselves, a sense of melancholy can wash over a woman. Some women even feel jealous of their children's active lives. It can become easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for where they currently find themselves--not quite as young, beautiful, and spry as in the past. 

And some can't picture a positive future version of themselves, one that includes health and well-being and no children in the home. 

Then again, some women have had problem children who can't wait for the children to move out and have lives on their own. But the adult children remain, gobbling up their time and energy. 

To get over these confusing feelings it is essential to put down imaginary desires for what might be a different and better life and instead accept and appreciate the present for all it holds. 

Train your mind to appreciate today, and rest assured that as your children eventually move on that you'll evolve too. Ask the Lord to help you look forward to the future he has planned for you.

 

Ways to Alleviate Your Midlife Crisis

Let's delve into ways to address and alleviate the turbulent emotions that frequently arise in midlife.

It's common for women to attribute their emotional turmoil to various external factors such as their husbands, financial constraints, or life circumstances. In their quest to find relief, they may attempt to manipulate these circumstances to improve their emotional state. This could involve seeking new job opportunities, engaging in extramarital affairs, or displaying erratic behavior towards their spouses, among other things. However, it's crucial for women to recognize that what they truly desire is often not a change in their external circumstances but rather a release from the distressing emotions themselves.

In other words, be cautious of following the world's ideas of tossing your job or relationships out the window too hastily. Don't give up what is right in front of you for some whimsical dream of a better life. 

Some of my Doodle/Novelty Artwork.

Tips for Managing Your Emotions 

Here are a few ideas for overcoming troubled feelings in midlife:

1. Self-Reflection: Be curious about your thoughts and feelings in an attempt to understand the root causes of your emotions. Self-awareness can be the first step towards addressing and resolving underlying issues.
2. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a listening ear and valuable insights. Sharing your feelings and experiences can be cathartic and enlightening.
3. Emotional Management: Explore techniques for emotional regulation, such as mindfulness, meditation, or giving yourself permission to rest or pace yourself. These practices may help you cope with difficult emotions in a healthier way.
4. Set Realistic Goals: Instead of seeking external changes, focus on setting small, realistic, and attainable personal goals. Achieving small goals may boost your sense of accomplishment and well-being.
5. Reignite Passions: Reconnect with hobbies or interests that once brought you joy or new ones you believe may bring you joy. Then share them with the world. Share photos on social media or in a blog of your own. Share them in a community setting. Share them in your own front yard. Working on your passions can reignite a sense of purpose and fulfillment, and obtaining feedback from others will give you a boost. 
6. Communication: Open and honest communication with your partner can be instrumental in addressing relationship issues and finding solutions together. Look each other in the eye when speaking, and echo back what each person is saying so each feels validated. 
7. Acceptance: Understand that midlife is a phase of transition and self-discovery. No matter what steps you take to retain your youth, aging will happen. Embrace the changes and uncertainties as opportunities for personal growth.
8. Professional Help: If your emotions feel overwhelming and persistent, don't hesitate to seek the guidance of a mental health professional who can provide tailored support and strategies.

Remember, if you're in a midlife crisis, it's often the inner emotional landscape that requires attention and transformation rather than external changes. You can find peace and contentment during midlife especially as you give yourself grace and acceptance. 

Top of Form

 

 

Are You Having a Midlife Crisis?

I was in my mid-forties at the time when I found myself awake at 3 or 4 am, unable to sleep and feeling troubled. I needed to sleep because I had school-aged children who I'd be getting up in but a few hours to feed and get off to school. The confusing emotions that hit me in those wee hours led me to a web search on Midlife Crisis.

Then and later on as I studied the topic, I discovered that countless midlife women have similar insomnia issues. Alongside them, may be feelings of a midlife crisis that might be described as grieving or melancholy combined with an urgency to know what lies ahead on the road. I craved hope that there was something meaningful in life still to come. I craved relationships, but was not good at finding them. But even with the good I had in my life, my thoughts often tormented me. I didn't know how to get out of my rut.

Midlife crisis feelings are as prevalent in Christian circles as they are for women of other faiths. Some feel these confusing emotions as early as in their 30s but they are more common in a woman's mid-to late 40s and beyond.

And the feelings can come and go. Even when a woman thinks she's over the hump of uncomfortable "lost" type feelings, the feelings may creep back. That's often because she is triggered hormonally which we know is a cycle. But life events can also be at play. 

My Crisis Story 

At the time just prior to my midlife crisis, my husband had decided to purchase exercise equipment, and I, crazily decided if I quit my membership at Curves (exercise location), that I could put that money toward the equipment and use his equipment for exercise. We were, afterall, still on a strict budget. 

Curves was sometimes pleasant, but more often than not, the interaction with other women I sought wasn't happening. It seemed to be a loss I could live with. 

Though by then I'd taken life coach certification, getting paying clients was very difficult. And the part time office job I took didn't work out for me. I thought God had given me an epiphany about another church and so I made what I thought was a right decision to change churches too. I hoped I could more freely share my life coaching abilities in a new church. I hoped to make closer friends. But neither of those things happened to the degree I hoped. 

The reason I point out these two incidents is that, as a stay-at-home mom, I was lonely and cutting myself off from these two social outlets left me feeling more isolated which resulted in depression. Then again, I was going through perimenopause which I feel was connected to the new depression I was battling.

It can be helpful for a midlife woman to understand the possible causes for her feelings so she can put coping strategies into place. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think making changes in my life would end up putting me into a deeper rut. But it did. 

And so, there I was late at night on my computer in the dark wearing a fluffy purple robe my husband had gifted me, I think age 49, looking for answers for my midlife crisis.


POSSIBLE REASONS FOR A MIDLIFE CRISIS

As I learned more, I discovered there were many reasons I was in a rut. Here are a few reasons a woman may have the feeling she's in a midlife crisis. 

She may be:

• grieving the growth stages of her children and sensing her own role changing
• craving a life of her own beyond marriage and children
• grieving never having had children
• entering the empty nest or fearing an impending empty nest
• recognizing that many goals have been achieved--education, career, marriage, children, home ownership...and now experiencing a plateau resulting in a bored feeling
• experiencing marriage difficulties or disappointments
• navigating ongoing singleness
• dealing with a recent separation or divorce
• experiencing job loss or the inability to find work
• trying to restore a sputtering business and having financial fears
• parenting but having trouble with teens
• experiencing pain, illness, and general body aging issues
• dealing with unwanted weight gain
• coping with chronic stiff and sore muscles
• working through perimenopause; menopause and other hormonal imbalances that cause hot flashes, headaches and more
• feeling unhappy with her life evaluation
• wondering what's next and not finding answers
• feeling disappointed with life or people
• failing to have reached goals by a certain age
• facing ongoing fatigue
• lonely feeling unable to make close friends
• unrealistic expectations

Here are but a few reasons Christian women may have a midlife crisis:

• All the above, plus...
• Disappointment with God for not granting her heart's desires
• Difficulty hearing from God
• Difficulty accepting what God seems to allow
• Feeling she has some how spiritually failed her family
• Unanswered prayers, especially concerning her spouse or lack of spouse or children
• Lack of financial prosperity expected from God
• Unfulfilled ministry dreams
• Unanswered prayers regarding personal fulfillment
• Disillusionment with the church or other believers
• Spiritual attack--the devil's temptations of dissatisfaction and "greener grass" syndrome

WOMEN'S MID-LIFE CRISIS: The Good and the Bad

It may help a woman to talk with another woman about her struggles--preferably with one who can relate. (It's tough, though, to fess up to a woman who has no clue what you're talking about.)

You may try joining a Facebook group with women who seem to be in a similar phase, but sometimes even those groups go awry.  I encourage you to study and learn through books that will help walk you through your struggles.

The good is, midlife crisis feelings can cause a woman to draw closer to God as she goes on a quest for answers. The bad is without help, a woman may become stuck in thought patterns that lead her to spiral downward into depression. The bad is a woman may make drastic life decisions she may later regret.

For these reasons, it is important for a Christian woman to wage constant war on her moods and thoughts. Check out everything, and count the cost before taking any drastic steps.

A woman can be helped in battling troubling thoughts and feelings through the professional help of a physician, mental health therapist, or life coach.  

At that time, I also had a dog I took for regular walks. She and I had many adventures I now fondly look back on. I participated in a Mothers Who Pray group and worked with Korean women practicing conversational English. But all that time, I still wasn't settled. I wanted more. And God didn't open bigger doors. The doors I had were probably where he wanted me, but it was just too easy to discredit them. 

And I eventually was given an anti-depressant and signed on for counselling and more life coaching as I walked through my midlife crisis. 

I say in my eBook , a midlife crisis isn't something you SOLVE. It is something you walk through. 

What are You Looking for Help with? Midlife Crisis, Menopause, or Life Purpose?

 

(Re-write of 2014 article)

My theme here often and with my coaching tools is midlife crisis.  I realize by using that term, I ostracize many.  That's because either those in a crisis don't want to think in those terms, or readers simply are not in a crisis every day. Nevertheless, I am revamping previous blog posts and you will see many on midlife crisis in the future. 

It was recently pointed out to me I could write on menopause. Why?  Because I spent 10 years going through it! The phase before menopause is called perimenopause. It is complex. The changes it brings to the body and mind can be connected to midlife crisis feelings too.  

For a time, I didn't want to give midlife crisis or menopause any weight or make either a topic of focus, but since writing on it I've had many readers. There is a need to vulnerably cover these issues. These are real issues that many women, Christian or secular, want help for. 

There have been several challenges I've faced myself due to the change of life. I address some of it in my eBook.  What I do want to say is: if either of these topics is what brought you to this blog today, my advice to you is to--be patient with yourself, pamper yourself, be your own advocate, find help for troubling emotions, build a team of support around you as best you can and, basically, don't do anything drastic like sell all your possessions, have a meltdown at work, or leave your husband.

I also write on life purpose. That is a common search topic of midlife women. I trained as a life purpose coach--a process that takes a woman through a number of probing questions. You can find the handbook I used here. Each week, as her coach, I'd meet with my client by phone to hear her discoveries after she worked on one of the chapters.  The goal was to help her tie together life threads that would help her see who God made her to be and what mission he might want her to work on. 

In my eBook, I do talk somewhat about this theme as well.  After going through the coaching process with many women, I'm not sure how effective it was in helping them narrow down one life purpose. The idea of finding one big purpose is a little overblown, in my opinion. My interpretation is that life holds a variety of purposes for most women. I mean, for example, when a woman becomes a mom, there are a gazillion purposes in that role she will fulfill. But many women discount it looking for something with a title--something more fulfilling. That isn't to say a woman isn't also supposed to enjoy a career or ministry. She can. But it is her God-given gifts she uses in her job or ministry that are part of her purpose, not the job title itself.

And, of course, the Word of God points out our primary purpose: to love God and our neighbours.  

So the pursuit of life purpose, in my opinion, is very involved. And it changes depending on your life phase.   

How I Live My Purpose

For years, I wanted nothing more than to nail down one big purpose for myself. In 2007, I thought life coaching would be it. But I was disappointed. Instead, I poured myself into becoming a freelance web content writer. 

When I received a high-paying writing assignment one day, I felt the way I'd longed to feel for some time--being paid what I felt I was worth as a writer--confirmation of my calling.  It felt good.  But since I write freelance, once one assignment was done, I needed my next.  The feeling of living my purpose wasn't sustainable.  

So I want to caution women that they may not find the perfect answer about what their life purpose is.  Please, don't frustrate yourself looking for it. Instead, live each day in the place God has called you to. Do all for the glory of God and don't fret about wanting to do something more important. 

My life journey has been multi-directional.  Now, I ask God what he has on the agenda for me each day. My prayer is:

"Please direct me into what will be the best use of my time and energy." 

I say energy in that prayer because I'm very aware that I don't have the same physical energy I did when I was younger. I need to pace myself. And so I look to God to give me wisdom on a daily, minute-by-minute basis. 

That writing assignment was unexpected.  I didn't go hunting for it.  It found me. And it was a great surprise. Also over the last three years, I was involved in a confidential volunteer project. Again, it found me. And it was very fulfilling. 

 

But truth be told, it works against my personality to live this way--collecting manna day by day. But that's been how God's called me to live it seems.  It may very well be the way God wants you to live too--not finding one BIG answer, merely living out each challenging day as it's presented.

  Psalm 32:8- The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. 

I will advise you and watch over you." 

Do you believe it?

Proverbs  16:9— ”A man’s heart plans his way, 

but the Lord directs his steps."

Have you experienced this?

Proverbs  1:33 declares- 

“But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil.”

Do you want this for yourself?