Are You Feeling Cast Down and Stuck in a Midlife Crisis?

 

Are you feeling stuck as though you're in a midlife crisis?  Are you wondering if there is more to life?  Are you suddenly overtaken by fear of a less-than-wonderful future?

Midlife crisis feelings can mount up on a woman from seemingly nowhere and for many reasons. Women are usually deep thinkers and feelers. They deal with hormonal shifts that affect their moods. They are nurturers but also crave independence and stature. Perimenopause's hormonal shifts is one very huge cause of such feelings. 

Feelings of being stuck hit me often throughout my time raising children and being a wife. I didn't know where to assign blame or who to reach out to for help. At times like this, we want pain relief. We want to fix ourselves. We don't feel like we are enough. We search for answers. 

Looking back now, I know it would have been better to learn mindfulness tips and to adopt contentment. But we are human. Human issues plague us.

I was a child of God. I prayed all the time. I participated in church meetings and bible studies. But there were moments when I felt deflated and empty. I longed for a sense of happiness and vitality that seemed elusive. In my pursuit of fulfillment, I found myself channeling excessive energy into managing my children, perhaps becoming overly involved. It became clear that I needed a more invigorating outlet to pour myself into.

Depression?

Was it depression? Was I feeling as I was because we'd moved too much and I failed to rebuild my network? Was it because I'd chosen to be an at-home mom leaving the paid workforce and I was stagnating? Was it because every part-time job I applied to failed?Is it because I craved significant church ministry and every attempt soured? Was I simply lonely? Was it my hormones? I suspect it was a combination of all the above. 

If you're fighting these kinds of feelings, I would like to share a few realizations I hope will help you:

One is that all humans suffer from what you might call a restless heart. It is that spot that needs God's peace, guidance, and comfort. We are human so are vulnerable to all that is in the fallen world. We are vulnerable to depression, mental illness, attacks of Satan, hurts from other humans, disappointments in life, injuries, illnesses, you name it. To deny such is to be a Pollyanna (Pollyanna refers to an excessively unrealistic optimistic person, sometimes to the point of being naive or oblivious to negative aspects of a situation.)

As humans, we tend to default to negativism. Thoughts and regrets of our past resurface without invitation. Taking our thoughts captive needs to be a daily exercise. But it can be exhausting without adequate social supports.

Because of our vulnerability combined with the personality God gave us, we need him even more to help us find the best path for our life. 

But most of us who are believers have dedicated ourselves to him for his use. What we have trouble accepting is where we are--the life he has chosen for us. We fight it. We question our self-worth too much. And with good reason. The outside world makes a lot of noise. Other women look down on us or make comments about our choices. Social media causes us to feel jealous or like we don't measure up. 

Confidence in our choices is better. Trusting God's plan is better. Self-acceptance is key. 

Happiness is fleeting. Moodiness can overwhelm us at any time. We weren't made to be in a perpetual life of happiness, but to seek contentment. Peace and contentment within ourselves is a gift from God that can be found when we are in relationship with him.

And sometimes, we have setbacks. I remember a period in life in my 40s when I felt I had no vision. I was relationship-starved though married. I was affirmation-starved. I was given no gold stars, no headlines, no paycheck. I was simply thriving. 

I had no new dreams to propel me forward. I was tired of trying to make my dream of life coaching in a church setting lift off the ground. No church near me would embrace the concept, and since I was an introvert with few connections in high places, my heart's desire for a ministry of that nature would never see the light of day. I didn't understand why God would give me such desires and have the door slammed in my face so many times. (I won't go into detail.) 

Another example is when God decided to give my husband another job transfer--back closer to family. For a time, we were able to enjoy visits from my elderly mother and have extended family over for pool parties and dinners. I didn't have to work so hard for that sense of peace. And then, in 2020, mom passed, and many negative events occurred to destroy our relationships. BOOM! Just like that, I'm having to rebuild yet again. 

I will never understand why God leaves us in the world with great dreams and visions but lets us flounder. I have no clue why so many people in this world are deluded, mean, and ill-spirited. But that's how it seems to be. So if you're floundering, take heart. You aren't alone. 

Know this, God loves you and approves of you no matter what outside sources tell you. God is love, so cling to him. Love yourself! Pursue peace and love in all you do. And apply these tips going forward: 

1. Stop asking why. 

2. Train your mind to see the good in life and dismiss negative thinking.

3. Pray for God's spirit to give you joy and faith so that you won't always feel cast down.

4. Ask God if you should talk to your doctor about possible depression solutions, increase your vitamin D, hire a counsellor, or reach out to someone to talk to.

5. Put your expectations into check. Get rid of black-and-white thinking and live in the grey zone.

6. Realize that everything in life is for a time and season. Most seasons are short.

7. Pray for God to give you a spirit of contentment.  

Even in your darkest days when your mood goes low, when you experience grief, loss, anger, and so on, acknowledge your feelings. It's okay to feel sad now and then. But hang on to trust in God and to hope. 

Your calling in life isn't to do some great job with a big title, it is simply to be part of God's plans and purposes. It is to connect to God and to promote God and his work. It is to be a good steward of all God has blessed you with. 

So don't wander off looking for a new man, a different job, a separation, or divorce. Don't be hasty to tear down what you've already built. 

Keep doing the last thing God told you to do until he reveals something new to do. 

And be content with the mundane life you have because that's where most of us find ourselves daily. 

Journalling is Good for You

Keeping journals is important to me. In them, I write revelations. I record things happening in my life. I record prayer requests. I write excerpts from books I found helpful and jot down bible verses.

The real treasures in journal keeping include these points: 

1. It helps release thoughts.

2. It acknowledges the prayers of the heart.

3. Readings are reinforced through writing them out.

4. It gives a place to jot down dreams and heart's desires.

5. It is a form of communication with God.

6. Going back to re-read a journal shows you your life journey.

7. Going back to re-read your prayers allows you to see which ones were answered.

8. Important insights you collected, when re-read, help you in your today life.

9. Your journal becomes a neat (but sometimes messy) life roadmap. 

I like this style of journal I ordered through Amazon. They are 6" x 8" coil bound. 

(I have a Facebook friend who uses an online app for her journalling. She prefers to type out her thoughts and it is encrypted. If that suits you better, do that.)

 

Life Beyond Children As they Grow

Are you at a point in your life where it is obvious your children need you less?  Do you sense a void?

I recall that feeling when my children were about 10 and 12 years old. I had been a fulltime at-home mom most of their life so the feeling to move onto something new was glaring. Yet, I was stuck not knowing which way to turn. I was still needed by them--to keep them on schedule, to feed them, to shop for them, to drive them where they needed to go--but I was desperate to get out and do something for myself. It's a common feeling. And it isn't one easily solved. 

Maybe you're now approaching the empty nest. Are you a little fearful of life in the empty nest? 

In my research, I've discovered it isn't just the stay-at-home mom that feels her very life being ripped from her side as her children grow and mature, it is all moms who've cared for their children, working moms and at-home moms alike. Though most won't admit it publicly, I'm sure most moms experience waves of chaotic feelings wash over them. And it's not wrong to have mixed emotions. Moms are nurturers. Having and raising children was a big deal. Putting her own interests aside for years to be there for the children was huge. 

The feelings and deciding what to do about them can be intense for some.

WHAT TO DO

It's easy to fear the future, but doing so doesn't help. And finding your next big adventure may not be easy--no matter how much you trust in God to show it to you.

You see, we have ideas in our minds for how life should unfold, but God often has different ideas. His answers, in my experience, are rarely instant. And they are rarely spelled out in full and long term. 

What is key is the right attitude. You can either have a pity party and doubt anything new is on the horizon, or you can trust you are right where God wants you and live out the duties right in front of you until something new crops up.  

The fruit of the spirit includes the makings of a good attitude and brings contentment. And contentment is gold. 

A ROADMAP

If you're looking for a roadmap as you attempt to move forward in your next life phase, you are welcome to use this list as a guide:

1. Face your feelings. Tap into what is troubling you. Grieve the changes, cry if you need to, journal your thoughts and questions. Get it all out.  Acknowledging your feelings is helpful. 

2. Don't get stuck there though.  If you find you're stuck there, seek the help of a therapist, life coach, other professional, or close friend.  

3. Remember that God is near to the brokenhearted and those who are crushed in spirit. Give him your burdens and then decide you will move on in faith. 

4. Start each day fresh. Don't bring yesterday's worries into today. 

5. Work on your body by stretching, lifting weights, or going for walks. Get outside and enjoy nature. 

6. Try activities that may help boost your self-esteem. That may include more frequent showers, updates to your cosmetics cabinet, a new hair colour, a new article of clothing, and redecorating your space.

7. Consider that all the little jobs you do matter in the bigger scheme of life whether they are mundane and boring or not. Even if you're not paid to do housework, it is a job--an important one.  

8.  Consider getting a pet.  Having a dog to walk or cat to cuddle and care for can help you transfer your need to nurture. If you're not into pets, try growing seeds or houseplants. You'll be required to nurture them too.  

9. Work on eliminating clutter to prepare your home space as somewhere you want to be for your next life phase. Donating what is no longer needed and organizing your space can be therapeutic. 

10.  When new ideas come, capture them. Make a list.  Even if you don't pursue them now you might want to in the future, so jot them down.  

11. God is great at putting new ideas into a person's mind and heart. Ask him for new vision. Listen for his still small voice.

12.  Look for opportunities to meet new people.  Join a church group, a walking group, or a gym group that works out together. Others need you just as much as you need them. They might also help link you to a new job or hobby.  

13.  Look into courses.  Upgrade rusty skills.  Learn things you need to know in this era of technology. 

14.  Try a new hobby or restart an old one.  What is it time to return to?

15.  Apply for jobs.  You'll never know if one's a good fit until you try.  

16.  Make the most of every opportunity. Talk to others when you are standing in line. Be open and friendly. 

No, the road beyond motherhood is not simple and easy, but God will instruct you and teach you where to go even if it is in what feels like baby steps. 

One of my pet cats over the years.