Midlife Crisis Tips for Moving Forward

Tossing and turning were yielding nothing. Sleep had evaded me once again, and troubled feelings were stirring. So I carefully reached for my fluffy robe and slid out of bed as quietly as I could. My husband slept soundly as I tiptoed out the door and down the stairs to the lower level office.

The brightness of the computer screen was blinding in the darkened room. Two-thirty was the time on the clock when I began my web search for answers for my chaotic feelings, and 4:30 was the time when I returned to bed and finally fell asleep.

For that two hours, I sat, in the quiet of the night, typing various combinations of words into the search bar. One phrase I typed into the search bar was one that I'd heard a lot about, but surely didn't think fit me, after all, I wasn't looking for a younger man or wanting to buy a sportscar (you know the old cliche?)

There I sat though, and typed the words:

"m-i-d-l-i-f-e   c-r-i-s-i-s".

This story is in my Amazon Kindle book 16 Essential Steps to Help You Walk Through Your Midlife Crisis: A Self-Coaching Tool for Midlife Christian Women 

WAS I HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS?


After reading a few of the descriptions for midlife crisis over several websites, I found a few points that resonated with me. I'd concurred with the descriptions of feelings of panic and sadness that had been washing over me on for some time by then. Insomnia had been regularly creeping in. Hot flashes abounded. The more I read, the more I decided I was in a perimenopausal midlife crisis.

I wondered, "Will I find answers to help me feel better? Or, will I be stuck feeling bad forever?"

Happy to Have a Diagnosis 

Google is great for diagnosing oneself. Sometimes it's wrong, but at times, it can be helpful. Once I had diagnosed myself, I embarked on a new journey. 

My problems of rising and falling moods, nightsweats, and so on, didn't instantly vanish.  I wasn't given the complete picture of what God wanted next for me. In retrospect, I can now tell you a midlife crisis is something to walk through.

For me, it required speaking boldly to my physician about everything. And she suggested I see a mental health therapist. Of course, I also did a lot of reading and praying. 

I had so many deep thoughts, I felt sharing them with a run-of-the mill friend or relative would cause them to stop being friends or laugh me out of the room.  I looked into the therapist my doctor recommended, but she had no open spots for months. I needed help NOW! So I looked into the options provided by my husband's work health plan. I found that sharing my heart by email with an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) counsellor was helpful for that time. I used a couple of different ones who cited they were Christian based. And they were very reassuring. 

And later, as I went through life coach training myself,  I hired three different life coaches at different times. 

I really needed a trusted friend to share life with. But I didn't have a bestie (as they say) where I lived in Winnipeg--one of the places we had job transferred to. 

I have a longtime history of living life as a loner with social anxiety, am an introvert, have low self-confidence, experience bouts of melancholy, and I have had enough experiences to not know whom I can trust. I'm from a family of five siblings and growing up was tumultuous. Even siblings have had their own viewpoint of life growing up which didn't match mine. So sharing life concerns with them can be troubling. 

I'm only now coming to terms with the idea the above-noted traits are how God made me and I have nothing profoundly wrong with those parts of me. 

If you have a good and trusted friend to talk to, that may be just as good as therapy for yoiu. But if you're like me, not a good friend maker, knowing who to share what with can be troublesome. There are many things a woman doesn't want to share with just anyone. So do hire a therapist online or in person. And do try working with a life coach. 

HOW LIFE COACHING HELPED ME

Dealing with troubling feelings and not knowing where to find answers can provoke a lot of fear in a woman. 
Prayer works, but it was clearly not all that I needed. I'd been trying to pray "those feelings" away many times.  

Finally, other than casting my cares on God, it was helpful to have a Christian Life Coach to cast my cares on. Each prayed over my concerns.  That in itself was worth the money.

FINDING A COACH

If you're interested in walking through your midlife crisis with a life coach, my suggestion is to look for a coach that seems to gear her practice towards the themes you feel most troubled about. In other words, unless you want to work on building a business, don't choose a coach that specializes in business-building, but if you want to change careers, do choose a career coach.

There are many general life coaches around. Do an online search and try out a few sessions with one.

Ways to Address Your Midlife Crisis

I find it a bit peculiar to be writing for my Midlife blog at this life stage given that I've already moved beyond the midlife phase. In fact, I'm on the brink of becoming an official senior next month as I celebrate my 65th birthday! Nonetheless, I'm aware that a fresh wave of women have entered the midlife stage and could benefit from some guidance. That's why I've decided to revisit and refresh some of the older posts I began crafting over a decade ago.

 

So What's All the Talk about Midlife Crisis?

I know women will do a search engine search for midlife crisis when they don't have another word to put on how they're feeling. I know because I did it so many years ago. When a woman finds herself in what she perceives as a "crisis" during midlife, her primary desire often centres around shedding unsettling emotions. However, the root causes of these feelings can be quite diverse.

Many women have experienced moments of joy and happiness, the sensation of a healthy body, and the pursuit of meaningful goals over their lifetime to date. They've known what it feels like to be affirmed and needed, desired even. Often, these are the emotions they yearn to reclaim.

For many women, a looming apprehension revolves around the future and the uncertainty it holds. That future might be described as years ahead, but more often it is simply the week ahead. They want to jump out of their emotional pain and into that exciting new adventure as soon as possible. 

As children grow and prepare to move on themselves, a sense of melancholy can wash over a woman. Some women even feel jealous of their children's active lives. It can become easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for where they currently find themselves--not quite as young, beautiful, and spry as in the past. 

And some can't picture a positive future version of themselves, one that includes health and well-being and no children in the home. 

Then again, some women have had problem children who can't wait for the children to move out and have lives on their own. But the adult children remain, gobbling up their time and energy. 

To get over these confusing feelings it is essential to put down imaginary desires for what might be a different and better life and instead accept and appreciate the present for all it holds. 

Train your mind to appreciate today, and rest assured that as your children eventually move on that you'll evolve too. Ask the Lord to help you look forward to the future he has planned for you.

 

Ways to Alleviate Your Midlife Crisis

Let's delve into ways to address and alleviate the turbulent emotions that frequently arise in midlife.

It's common for women to attribute their emotional turmoil to various external factors such as their husbands, financial constraints, or life circumstances. In their quest to find relief, they may attempt to manipulate these circumstances to improve their emotional state. This could involve seeking new job opportunities, engaging in extramarital affairs, or displaying erratic behavior towards their spouses, among other things. However, it's crucial for women to recognize that what they truly desire is often not a change in their external circumstances but rather a release from the distressing emotions themselves.

In other words, be cautious of following the world's ideas of tossing your job or relationships out the window too hastily. Don't give up what is right in front of you for some whimsical dream of a better life. 

Some of my Doodle/Novelty Artwork.

Tips for Managing Your Emotions 

Here are a few ideas for overcoming troubled feelings in midlife:

1. Self-Reflection: Be curious about your thoughts and feelings in an attempt to understand the root causes of your emotions. Self-awareness can be the first step towards addressing and resolving underlying issues.
2. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a listening ear and valuable insights. Sharing your feelings and experiences can be cathartic and enlightening.
3. Emotional Management: Explore techniques for emotional regulation, such as mindfulness, meditation, or giving yourself permission to rest or pace yourself. These practices may help you cope with difficult emotions in a healthier way.
4. Set Realistic Goals: Instead of seeking external changes, focus on setting small, realistic, and attainable personal goals. Achieving small goals may boost your sense of accomplishment and well-being.
5. Reignite Passions: Reconnect with hobbies or interests that once brought you joy or new ones you believe may bring you joy. Then share them with the world. Share photos on social media or in a blog of your own. Share them in a community setting. Share them in your own front yard. Working on your passions can reignite a sense of purpose and fulfillment, and obtaining feedback from others will give you a boost. 
6. Communication: Open and honest communication with your partner can be instrumental in addressing relationship issues and finding solutions together. Look each other in the eye when speaking, and echo back what each person is saying so each feels validated. 
7. Acceptance: Understand that midlife is a phase of transition and self-discovery. No matter what steps you take to retain your youth, aging will happen. Embrace the changes and uncertainties as opportunities for personal growth.
8. Professional Help: If your emotions feel overwhelming and persistent, don't hesitate to seek the guidance of a mental health professional who can provide tailored support and strategies.

Remember, if you're in a midlife crisis, it's often the inner emotional landscape that requires attention and transformation rather than external changes. You can find peace and contentment during midlife especially as you give yourself grace and acceptance. 

Top of Form

 

 

Are You Having a Midlife Crisis?

I was in my mid-forties at the time when I found myself awake at 3 or 4 am, unable to sleep and feeling troubled. I needed to sleep because I had school-aged children who I'd be getting up in but a few hours to feed and get off to school. The confusing emotions that hit me in those wee hours led me to a web search on Midlife Crisis.

Then and later on as I studied the topic, I discovered that countless midlife women have similar insomnia issues. Alongside them, may be feelings of a midlife crisis that might be described as grieving or melancholy combined with an urgency to know what lies ahead on the road. I craved hope that there was something meaningful in life still to come. I craved relationships, but was not good at finding them. But even with the good I had in my life, my thoughts often tormented me. I didn't know how to get out of my rut.

Midlife crisis feelings are as prevalent in Christian circles as they are for women of other faiths. Some feel these confusing emotions as early as in their 30s but they are more common in a woman's mid-to late 40s and beyond.

And the feelings can come and go. Even when a woman thinks she's over the hump of uncomfortable "lost" type feelings, the feelings may creep back. That's often because she is triggered hormonally which we know is a cycle. But life events can also be at play. 

My Crisis Story 

At the time just prior to my midlife crisis, my husband had decided to purchase exercise equipment, and I, crazily decided if I quit my membership at Curves (exercise location), that I could put that money toward the equipment and use his equipment for exercise. We were, afterall, still on a strict budget. 

Curves was sometimes pleasant, but more often than not, the interaction with other women I sought wasn't happening. It seemed to be a loss I could live with. 

Though by then I'd taken life coach certification, getting paying clients was very difficult. And the part time office job I took didn't work out for me. I thought God had given me an epiphany about another church and so I made what I thought was a right decision to change churches too. I hoped I could more freely share my life coaching abilities in a new church. I hoped to make closer friends. But neither of those things happened to the degree I hoped. 

The reason I point out these two incidents is that, as a stay-at-home mom, I was lonely and cutting myself off from these two social outlets left me feeling more isolated which resulted in depression. Then again, I was going through perimenopause which I feel was connected to the new depression I was battling.

It can be helpful for a midlife woman to understand the possible causes for her feelings so she can put coping strategies into place. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think making changes in my life would end up putting me into a deeper rut. But it did. 

And so, there I was late at night on my computer in the dark wearing a fluffy purple robe my husband had gifted me, I think age 49, looking for answers for my midlife crisis.


POSSIBLE REASONS FOR A MIDLIFE CRISIS

As I learned more, I discovered there were many reasons I was in a rut. Here are a few reasons a woman may have the feeling she's in a midlife crisis. 

She may be:

• grieving the growth stages of her children and sensing her own role changing
• craving a life of her own beyond marriage and children
• grieving never having had children
• entering the empty nest or fearing an impending empty nest
• recognizing that many goals have been achieved--education, career, marriage, children, home ownership...and now experiencing a plateau resulting in a bored feeling
• experiencing marriage difficulties or disappointments
• navigating ongoing singleness
• dealing with a recent separation or divorce
• experiencing job loss or the inability to find work
• trying to restore a sputtering business and having financial fears
• parenting but having trouble with teens
• experiencing pain, illness, and general body aging issues
• dealing with unwanted weight gain
• coping with chronic stiff and sore muscles
• working through perimenopause; menopause and other hormonal imbalances that cause hot flashes, headaches and more
• feeling unhappy with her life evaluation
• wondering what's next and not finding answers
• feeling disappointed with life or people
• failing to have reached goals by a certain age
• facing ongoing fatigue
• lonely feeling unable to make close friends
• unrealistic expectations

Here are but a few reasons Christian women may have a midlife crisis:

• All the above, plus...
• Disappointment with God for not granting her heart's desires
• Difficulty hearing from God
• Difficulty accepting what God seems to allow
• Feeling she has some how spiritually failed her family
• Unanswered prayers, especially concerning her spouse or lack of spouse or children
• Lack of financial prosperity expected from God
• Unfulfilled ministry dreams
• Unanswered prayers regarding personal fulfillment
• Disillusionment with the church or other believers
• Spiritual attack--the devil's temptations of dissatisfaction and "greener grass" syndrome

WOMEN'S MID-LIFE CRISIS: The Good and the Bad

It may help a woman to talk with another woman about her struggles--preferably with one who can relate. (It's tough, though, to fess up to a woman who has no clue what you're talking about.)

You may try joining a Facebook group with women who seem to be in a similar phase, but sometimes even those groups go awry.  I encourage you to study and learn through books that will help walk you through your struggles.

The good is, midlife crisis feelings can cause a woman to draw closer to God as she goes on a quest for answers. The bad is without help, a woman may become stuck in thought patterns that lead her to spiral downward into depression. The bad is a woman may make drastic life decisions she may later regret.

For these reasons, it is important for a Christian woman to wage constant war on her moods and thoughts. Check out everything, and count the cost before taking any drastic steps.

A woman can be helped in battling troubling thoughts and feelings through the professional help of a physician, mental health therapist, or life coach.  

At that time, I also had a dog I took for regular walks. She and I had many adventures I now fondly look back on. I participated in a Mothers Who Pray group and worked with Korean women practicing conversational English. But all that time, I still wasn't settled. I wanted more. And God didn't open bigger doors. The doors I had were probably where he wanted me, but it was just too easy to discredit them. 

And I eventually was given an anti-depressant and signed on for counselling and more life coaching as I walked through my midlife crisis. 

I say in my eBook , a midlife crisis isn't something you SOLVE. It is something you walk through. 

What are You Looking for Help with? Midlife Crisis, Menopause, or Life Purpose?

 

(Re-write of 2014 article)

My theme here often and with my coaching tools is midlife crisis.  I realize by using that term, I ostracize many.  That's because either those in a crisis don't want to think in those terms, or readers simply are not in a crisis every day. Nevertheless, I am revamping previous blog posts and you will see many on midlife crisis in the future. 

It was recently pointed out to me I could write on menopause. Why?  Because I spent 10 years going through it! The phase before menopause is called perimenopause. It is complex. The changes it brings to the body and mind can be connected to midlife crisis feelings too.  

For a time, I didn't want to give midlife crisis or menopause any weight or make either a topic of focus, but since writing on it I've had many readers. There is a need to vulnerably cover these issues. These are real issues that many women, Christian or secular, want help for. 

There have been several challenges I've faced myself due to the change of life. I address some of it in my eBook.  What I do want to say is: if either of these topics is what brought you to this blog today, my advice to you is to--be patient with yourself, pamper yourself, be your own advocate, find help for troubling emotions, build a team of support around you as best you can and, basically, don't do anything drastic like sell all your possessions, have a meltdown at work, or leave your husband.

I also write on life purpose. That is a common search topic of midlife women. I trained as a life purpose coach--a process that takes a woman through a number of probing questions. You can find the handbook I used here. Each week, as her coach, I'd meet with my client by phone to hear her discoveries after she worked on one of the chapters.  The goal was to help her tie together life threads that would help her see who God made her to be and what mission he might want her to work on. 

In my eBook, I do talk somewhat about this theme as well.  After going through the coaching process with many women, I'm not sure how effective it was in helping them narrow down one life purpose. The idea of finding one big purpose is a little overblown, in my opinion. My interpretation is that life holds a variety of purposes for most women. I mean, for example, when a woman becomes a mom, there are a gazillion purposes in that role she will fulfill. But many women discount it looking for something with a title--something more fulfilling. That isn't to say a woman isn't also supposed to enjoy a career or ministry. She can. But it is her God-given gifts she uses in her job or ministry that are part of her purpose, not the job title itself.

And, of course, the Word of God points out our primary purpose: to love God and our neighbours.  

So the pursuit of life purpose, in my opinion, is very involved. And it changes depending on your life phase.   

How I Live My Purpose

For years, I wanted nothing more than to nail down one big purpose for myself. In 2007, I thought life coaching would be it. But I was disappointed. Instead, I poured myself into becoming a freelance web content writer. 

When I received a high-paying writing assignment one day, I felt the way I'd longed to feel for some time--being paid what I felt I was worth as a writer--confirmation of my calling.  It felt good.  But since I write freelance, once one assignment was done, I needed my next.  The feeling of living my purpose wasn't sustainable.  

So I want to caution women that they may not find the perfect answer about what their life purpose is.  Please, don't frustrate yourself looking for it. Instead, live each day in the place God has called you to. Do all for the glory of God and don't fret about wanting to do something more important. 

My life journey has been multi-directional.  Now, I ask God what he has on the agenda for me each day. My prayer is:

"Please direct me into what will be the best use of my time and energy." 

I say energy in that prayer because I'm very aware that I don't have the same physical energy I did when I was younger. I need to pace myself. And so I look to God to give me wisdom on a daily, minute-by-minute basis. 

That writing assignment was unexpected.  I didn't go hunting for it.  It found me. And it was a great surprise. Also over the last three years, I was involved in a confidential volunteer project. Again, it found me. And it was very fulfilling. 

 

But truth be told, it works against my personality to live this way--collecting manna day by day. But that's been how God's called me to live it seems.  It may very well be the way God wants you to live too--not finding one BIG answer, merely living out each challenging day as it's presented.

  Psalm 32:8- The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. 

I will advise you and watch over you." 

Do you believe it?

Proverbs  16:9— ”A man’s heart plans his way, 

but the Lord directs his steps."

Have you experienced this?

Proverbs  1:33 declares- 

“But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil.”

Do you want this for yourself?

Midlife Woes of Many Women

(rewrite of 2012 article) 

I was reading a book that had a chapter on Menopause. It could have equally been entitled, MidLife Crisis and Women.

A woman described her story something like this [revised slightly]: 

...I had hot flashes at inconvenient times. I always felt like I needed to announce them, but my husband really didn't want to know. But I wanted him to know because we're close in age and I wanted to go through this together! After all, if my fertility were drying up, shouldn't he be aware of it? Isn't it the end of "our" fertility?

...I noticed new wrinkles on my face and a double chin. I needed to color my hair more often. No matter how hard I exercised I continued to gain weight, and I hated my reflection. I wanted to look great at my daughter's high school graduation, but I felt frumpy and self-conscious. I wanted my husband to be attracted to me, but he was getting really lousy (or lazy) about giving me compliments--when I needed them most..."

MIDLIFE WOES

Many women in midlife women have issues common to these. Many of the issues are rooted in physical changes but those issues can affect emotional well-being too.

These topics of midlife crisis and menopause are rarely addressed in Christian circles, the workplace, or in family circles. Everyone seems to like to pretend everything in their world is perfect. They have no issues that anyone else needs to know about. 

If a woman seems off balance, she may look for other reasons to explain it away rather than consider the role perimenopause or menopause is playing. (*Pay attention, especially if you are in the age 45 to 55 range.) 

Symptoms of Peri-Menopause and Menopause 

Not every woman deals with midlife challenges. My 85-year-old mother-in-law said she had none when she went through menopause. "Poof, one day it was just different" is how I recall her explaining it. Either that is true or her memory waned. I'm sure in her day, menopause wasn't talked about either so maybe she was simply unaware. 

But for those who do get symptoms, the challenges are real. I had excessive bleeding at times. One sneeze during a period and I'd have to change my clothes. I had what I described as a 'new kind of depression'. It didn't fit the criteria doctors used in diagnosis. I could mark it on a calendar though. It lasted a couple weeks and arrived AFTER a period. I strongly felt it was hormonally related. However my doctor did no hormone testing and disagreed with my suggestion that HRT might fix it. It took me more episodes of depression to push me to make an appointment to discuss depression and nothing else (doctors where I live require the purpose of appointments to be specific). I finally declared to the doctor I was depressed. She put me on medication and gave me the name of a therapist as she believed it best to have both kinds of support. Her therapist was overbooked and I could not get in, so I searched for one on my own (not an easy process). 

Weight gain is common in this phase for many. Some women need more sleep. Others struggle with chronic insomnia that affects the quality of their work day.  Some midlife women are dominated by hot flashes or menopausal migraine headaches. 

My Hot Flash Story 

I purchased cool sheets. I suggest Serta Coolmax Sheets.  I put an ice pack under my pillow so when I was hot I could flip the pillow over and find relief as the underside would be cold on my face. I kept a fan in my bedroom. Later, we added a window air conditioner since the house cooling system didn't reach our bedroom as well as I needed it to. 

At one appointment, I sat on the doctor's table in a hospital gown to discuss my hot flashes. By the end of the examination, the tissue she'd laid down on the table was stuck to me--soaked in sweat--proof I was ready for hormonal replacement therapy (HRT). I went on HRT to get me over the 'hump' at that time, and the hot flashes and night sweats resolved IMMEDIATELY. 

The symptoms of perimenopause, menopause or midlife appear at various ages for different women and can go on for years. Many reach full menopause in their early 50s, but I didn't reach it until I was 56. 

FIND HELP AND ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER

When the Bible suggests encouraging one another or helping those who are struggling, things like menopause and mid-life crisis are rarely what come to mind. But these REAL LIFE issues can be included. When women share their feelings, struggles, and most of all, solutions, they help each other.

There probably is no one-fits-all solution. Some women are relieved by anti-depressants or HRT (hormone replacement therapy), while others refuse to try anything--sometimes because of family history health reasons or simply fear. Most women prefer to manage their symptoms on their own. 

The problem with not understanding what perimenopause can do to a woman's well-being is how it can affect her life choices. For instance, some women dealing with new depression blame their feelings on their spouse, being married, their job, or lack of career, and set out to make drastic changes.

They may consider separation, divorce, leaving their job, or having an affair. They crave change, but they can't always put their finger on what that change needs to be. If not carefully investigated, a woman may make life choices that she'll one day regret. 

For sure, midlife flings a woman into a phase of life evaluation. The working woman evaluates her life as does the homemaker. It's not easy in one article to explain the complaints or the solutions. But one thing I will share since this is a Christian blog, is how imperative it is that a woman become mindful of the devil's playground she may find herself in during midlife. When a woman is in a vulnerable phase of life, it's easy for Satan to use the opportunity to confuse her. He'd love nothing more than to break her family apart. He'd love for her to spout angry words that make her husband want to leave her. He'd love to keep her down with depression. He'd love to make her lose hope.  So, my dear midlife friend, stay on guard. Don't let the devil make your life any more complicated than it is. He is the father of lies and it's important to stay alert. 

Here is an article that outlines some of the lies Satan tells humans. 

In the meantime, I'm glad you found my blog post. Here are some guidelines that may help you during this midlife, perimenopausal, and post-menopause phase. 

Tips

Find another woman to share your struggles with. Gather professionals around you to provide guidance.

• There are solutions for hot flashes/night sweats when or if they get intolerable, speak to your doctor.
• Therapy when depressed can be very helpful, don't dismiss it.
• Don't be afraid of trying anti-depressant medication if your brain chemistry is the root of many or your issues. Life is too short to live it depressed. 
• Do current research on HRT. There is much that debunks former fears. Talk to others on HRT and hear their thoughts.
• Seek the help of a life coach for specific areas you'd like to have help with. 
• Pick up some good resources: online articles, books, and so on. 
• Look for opportunities to meet in groups with other women--maybe church groups, exercise circles, and so on. 
• Cast your cares on God. Journal your thoughts. Trust he has a plan for you beyond midlife.