Midlife Woes of Many Women

(rewrite of 2012 article) 

I was reading a book that had a chapter on Menopause. It could have equally been entitled, MidLife Crisis and Women.

A woman described her story something like this [revised slightly]: 

...I had hot flashes at inconvenient times. I always felt like I needed to announce them, but my husband really didn't want to know. But I wanted him to know because we're close in age and I wanted to go through this together! After all, if my fertility were drying up, shouldn't he be aware of it? Isn't it the end of "our" fertility?

...I noticed new wrinkles on my face and a double chin. I needed to color my hair more often. No matter how hard I exercised I continued to gain weight, and I hated my reflection. I wanted to look great at my daughter's high school graduation, but I felt frumpy and self-conscious. I wanted my husband to be attracted to me, but he was getting really lousy (or lazy) about giving me compliments--when I needed them most..."

MIDLIFE WOES

Many women in midlife women have issues common to these. Many of the issues are rooted in physical changes but those issues can affect emotional well-being too.

These topics of midlife crisis and menopause are rarely addressed in Christian circles, the workplace, or in family circles. Everyone seems to like to pretend everything in their world is perfect. They have no issues that anyone else needs to know about. 

If a woman seems off balance, she may look for other reasons to explain it away rather than consider the role perimenopause or menopause is playing. (*Pay attention, especially if you are in the age 45 to 55 range.) 

Symptoms of Peri-Menopause and Menopause 

Not every woman deals with midlife challenges. My 85-year-old mother-in-law said she had none when she went through menopause. "Poof, one day it was just different" is how I recall her explaining it. Either that is true or her memory waned. I'm sure in her day, menopause wasn't talked about either so maybe she was simply unaware. 

But for those who do get symptoms, the challenges are real. I had excessive bleeding at times. One sneeze during a period and I'd have to change my clothes. I had what I described as a 'new kind of depression'. It didn't fit the criteria doctors used in diagnosis. I could mark it on a calendar though. It lasted a couple weeks and arrived AFTER a period. I strongly felt it was hormonally related. However my doctor did no hormone testing and disagreed with my suggestion that HRT might fix it. It took me more episodes of depression to push me to make an appointment to discuss depression and nothing else (doctors where I live require the purpose of appointments to be specific). I finally declared to the doctor I was depressed. She put me on medication and gave me the name of a therapist as she believed it best to have both kinds of support. Her therapist was overbooked and I could not get in, so I searched for one on my own (not an easy process). 

Weight gain is common in this phase for many. Some women need more sleep. Others struggle with chronic insomnia that affects the quality of their work day.  Some midlife women are dominated by hot flashes or menopausal migraine headaches. 

My Hot Flash Story 

I purchased cool sheets. I suggest Serta Coolmax Sheets.  I put an ice pack under my pillow so when I was hot I could flip the pillow over and find relief as the underside would be cold on my face. I kept a fan in my bedroom. Later, we added a window air conditioner since the house cooling system didn't reach our bedroom as well as I needed it to. 

At one appointment, I sat on the doctor's table in a hospital gown to discuss my hot flashes. By the end of the examination, the tissue she'd laid down on the table was stuck to me--soaked in sweat--proof I was ready for hormonal replacement therapy (HRT). I went on HRT to get me over the 'hump' at that time, and the hot flashes and night sweats resolved IMMEDIATELY. 

The symptoms of perimenopause, menopause or midlife appear at various ages for different women and can go on for years. Many reach full menopause in their early 50s, but I didn't reach it until I was 56. 

FIND HELP AND ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER

When the Bible suggests encouraging one another or helping those who are struggling, things like menopause and mid-life crisis are rarely what come to mind. But these REAL LIFE issues can be included. When women share their feelings, struggles, and most of all, solutions, they help each other.

There probably is no one-fits-all solution. Some women are relieved by anti-depressants or HRT (hormone replacement therapy), while others refuse to try anything--sometimes because of family history health reasons or simply fear. Most women prefer to manage their symptoms on their own. 

The problem with not understanding what perimenopause can do to a woman's well-being is how it can affect her life choices. For instance, some women dealing with new depression blame their feelings on their spouse, being married, their job, or lack of career, and set out to make drastic changes.

They may consider separation, divorce, leaving their job, or having an affair. They crave change, but they can't always put their finger on what that change needs to be. If not carefully investigated, a woman may make life choices that she'll one day regret. 

For sure, midlife flings a woman into a phase of life evaluation. The working woman evaluates her life as does the homemaker. It's not easy in one article to explain the complaints or the solutions. But one thing I will share since this is a Christian blog, is how imperative it is that a woman become mindful of the devil's playground she may find herself in during midlife. When a woman is in a vulnerable phase of life, it's easy for Satan to use the opportunity to confuse her. He'd love nothing more than to break her family apart. He'd love for her to spout angry words that make her husband want to leave her. He'd love to keep her down with depression. He'd love to make her lose hope.  So, my dear midlife friend, stay on guard. Don't let the devil make your life any more complicated than it is. He is the father of lies and it's important to stay alert. 

Here is an article that outlines some of the lies Satan tells humans. 

In the meantime, I'm glad you found my blog post. Here are some guidelines that may help you during this midlife, perimenopausal, and post-menopause phase. 

Tips

Find another woman to share your struggles with. Gather professionals around you to provide guidance.

• There are solutions for hot flashes/night sweats when or if they get intolerable, speak to your doctor.
• Therapy when depressed can be very helpful, don't dismiss it.
• Don't be afraid of trying anti-depressant medication if your brain chemistry is the root of many or your issues. Life is too short to live it depressed. 
• Do current research on HRT. There is much that debunks former fears. Talk to others on HRT and hear their thoughts.
• Seek the help of a life coach for specific areas you'd like to have help with. 
• Pick up some good resources: online articles, books, and so on. 
• Look for opportunities to meet in groups with other women--maybe church groups, exercise circles, and so on. 
• Cast your cares on God. Journal your thoughts. Trust he has a plan for you beyond midlife.

  

A Possible Life Map to Help Your Midlife Journey

Are you looking for ways to reboot your post-pandemic life as a midlife woman? Do you feel everything has changed? Or are you in a rut and crave change?

If so, you're not imagining it and you're not alone. The pandemic changed the way many of us do life. And midlife demands change. But one thing has not changed. God still promises to lead and guide us. 

For myself in the pandemic, relationships were cut off. My gym routine ceased (I now exercise at home mostly or the local YMCA via drop-in payments). I hadn't been to church for three years in person. 

I am an introvert and worked from home most of my life so staying home seemed easy to me. But I did eventually miss the connection with "real live people" as opposed to those on social media. 

Fortunately (can you believe I'd say that?), my husband and I were diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.  And that led to another new way of living. We cut sugar out of our diet. We started medication. And then, my husband and I signed up for the YMCA's Diabetes Fit program. Their first in-person program since the pandemic would be in Spring 2022. It was perfect timing for us as I had felt my world shriveling. 

The program was covered by Sun Life Insurance and was free to us. Many of us still masked up because having diabetes meant we were in a high-risk category. But participating in that weekly program was our first time being in a group setting again since 2020 and it felt good. I felt the mental health benefits immediately. And the new exercise regime sparked us to focus on fitness again.

Artwork by Rosalie Garde

"Do not despise these small beginnings, 

for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin..." Zechariah 4:10 NLT

What Else Do I Do Lord?

And as I sought other in-person outlets, there were few. Most activities were being held online. And so I committed my need for new stimulation to God. 

I had also been praying for several years to find a church with afternoon or evening service times due to my inability to do mornings.  (Every church in my city has 9 am 10:30 or 11 am service times.)  

And then, it happened. God answered my prayer for a church with an afternoon time! After 3 years of wandering through online services, I ventured out alone to a new church with a 3 pm service time--one God had set out just for me. 

I tried not to over-examine the new church as most of us do, I simply attended to feed my soul and nurture my spirit. 

God Said "Be a Rebel"

I had spent the summer enjoying the warm weather. I focused on caring for my property and my love of the outdoors.

But in the evenings, the gap was there again--a longing to be a part of something bigger. And so I spent late-night hours searching online for options. (We are a people of unrest.) 

And amid this chronic searching, the Lord said: Here's what you're to do. Rest and Recover (my body was chronically achy from all my gardening). 

Enjoy life. Be present rather than scurry through life. Experiment to keep yourself inspired. Learn new things. 

When I looked at the first letters of each of these words, I saw the acronym REBEL. And so I created this as a life-map. 

I know this life map won't suit every woman as our midlife journeys vary. But could this Be a REBEL life map help you right now? 

Navigating Midlife Transitions by Knowing Who You Are

Midlife is a transformative phase for every woman, characterized by its own set of challenges and desires. In this blog post, we'll explore the key aspects of this journey and offer guidance specifically tailored for Christian women who may feel stuck in a rut during this crucial life stage.

Understanding Midlife

Midlife typically occurs between the ages of 45 and 52, but individual experiences vary. Some women, during that phase, find themselves battling low moods and symptoms of perimenopause. Many women in that phase begin to re-evaluate their life. A midlife crisis might begin for some--a type of rut they don't know how to get out of. Often looking back at the past is involved, yet it's equally about uncertainty of the future.

Discovering What You Seek:

Many Christian women in midlife long for change. They may feel a sense of monotony or yearn for new mental stimulation.

Shifting priorities as children grow or leave home can leave them feeling overlooked or unsure of where they fit into life.

Some women miss the vitality of youth, the thrill of new beginnings, or the pursuit of passion, either romantically or in their careers.

Others grapple with unfulfilled dreams, leading to feelings of disappointment and sadness.

The quest for meaning and fulfillment is a common thread amongst midlife women, yet some still find themselves lost and uncertain about where to begin. 

If any of this describes you, don't worry. What you're feeling is normal. It's a life transition phase. What you need to do is walk through it with faith. 

Build a support team. Mine included my family doctor, a mental health therapist, online friends, and multiple resources I could turn to including many books and articles. 

Overcoming Midlife Challenges

Three common challenges can be explored to help a woman make sense of midlife crisis feelings:

a. Rehearsing the Past: I acknowledge the allure of nostalgia but stress the importance of looking forward to new opportunities rather than longing for bygone days aligning your thoughts and choices with the wisdom found in the Bible. Philippians 3:13 gives us great advice. It says to forget what is in the past and reach out or look forward to what lies ahead. 

Cherish past memories, don't cling to them. God is doing a new thing in your life now. 

b. Gaining Perspective: Committing your way to God and trusting His guidance is crucial. You need not have all the answers; living in the present moment and seeking divine guidance daily can pave the way.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

c. Understanding Your Personality Traits: Personality plays a significant role in midlife experiences. Embracing your unique traits, whether introverted, extroverted, or otherwise, is essential. It's time to know who you are and accept who you are, rather than seeking to change your basic traits. 

Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” 

Society's expectations should not dictate your self-worth. Be yourself with a focus on having a Christ-like character. The Apostle Paul in Galatians 5:22-23 suggests these traits: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control.” These apply to introverts, extroverts, loners, and social butterflies. 

A Self-Exploration Exercise:

I invite you to reflect on your personality style, whether you're an introvert, extrovert, or somewhere in between. Identify any external pressures that have shaped your self-perception that it's time to let go of.

Question: What self-talk is it time to let go of?

Answer: _______________________________

Assess what aspects of yourself you should embrace without guilt. 

Question: What is a trait I have that I should embrace? 

Answer: _______________________________

Stop Trying to Fix Yourself:

There are so many voices out there calling us (mostly in social media) to fix ourselves. And while therapy is good, instead of digging for what we need to fix, maybe it's time to look at what we do well. Maybe there is nothing wrong with our life. Maybe we are exactly where God wants us. 

Appreciating how God made you and what he has given you will give you more confidence.

Based on what you know about your values, passions, beliefs, and gifts, think carefully about what you should say "yes" to. Decline what doesn't fit you. 

When you start to look back into the past, switch the dialogue in your head.  

Invite God into each day. Let him go to work for you.

Conclusion:

Your midlife journey as a Christian woman is a unique and deeply personal experience. You can navigate transitions with grace and purpose by understanding the challenges and desires specific to this life phase, embracing your personality, and seeking guidance from your faith. 

I invite you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. It is helpful to foster a community of support and encouragement as we all journey through midlife and beyond together.

What is Midlife? What are Midlife Challenges?

 

WHAT IS MIDLIFE?

I have defined midlife as: taking your life expectancy and cutting the number in half. 

i.e. if you plan to live to 95, 

midlife for you would be 47.5 years of age. 

But the challenges of midlife can affect women of much lower or higher ages.  Perimenopause, for example, can span ten years. For myself, it spanned from about age 45 to 55 with my midlife crisis in the middle of that. 

And the challenges a woman faces may be more life-phase-specific than age-specific. For those of us who are moms, we had our children at different ages, so our phases of dealing with adult children or nest-emptying varies. 

I'd like my readers to know, that it's not uncommon for a significant portion of women to face challenges during this life phase. Individual experiences are influenced by a multitude of factors, including personal circumstances, cultural background, socioeconomic status, and more.

If you feel yourself struggling, I want you to know your struggles are NORMAL! You have not missed out. God has not forgotten you. You are not a failure. 

A Photo of Mt. Peter & Mt. Paul, Kamloops, BC
where we lived for a few years.

I have learned that life is full of phases--lows and highs, bad and good, despair and hope, uphill climbs and plateaus. And as far as a woman living out her calling, there is not just ONE PATH. It's a winding journey with puddles and rocks to navigate. But if your heart is right with God and your desire is to be the person he has created you to be, he will surely lead you where he wants you to go. And every now and then you need to ask yourself if you truly believe you are where he has placed you. 

In my midlife crisis, I would apply for jobs--desperate to find something to break out of my suffocation. One morning, as my young daughter was getting ready for school, I shared with her that I had a job interview scheduled for that day. Without hesitation, she looked up at me with her innocent eyes and said, 'I'll pray for you.' It was a simple yet powerful gesture that touched my heart deeply.

As I left for the interview, her words lingered in my mind. Now, I didn't want to disappoint her. I didn't want her to feel sorry for her momma either.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the job. I couldn't help but wonder if she would be disappointed.

Reflecting on that moment, I realize the true beauty in her response. She saw me. She had compassion. Her words were a genuine expression of support and care. This is the stuff legacies are made of, for where did she learn that?

God didn't unroll a red carpet leading me to the perfect out-of-the-home job where I'd feel the fulfillment I assumed was missing. And I instantly didn't love my life. I had much still to work through. 

In retrospect, I believe the challenge for all women has to do with their mindset which has to do with learning to be content whether we get a new job or not. 

No, God may not bless you with that perfect little part-time job or that big important title and promotion you crave. Many of us have heart longings of this nature that are never fully met. And we can strive and kick and scream and have a pity party, but if we truly trust God, we will consider what he wants us to learn and what next step he might want us to take. 

I get why the Apostle Paul said he could be content in any circumstance, it was because he had a remarkable mindset. Changing our mindset takes a lot of hard work, but it really is the difference between feeling less than and appreciating the life we've been given.

While changing one's mindset is not a cure-all for complex issues such as depression--which is often the basis of a midlife crisis--it can be a powerful tool in helping us manage and cope.

As you uncover your unique offering--what you bring to the world's table--you will discover there are many ways to express yourself in ways God intends you to whether through paid or unpaid means. 

One way to look at your life is to consider all you do is your job! How you want to show up to work is up to you. 

In the working world, we hear a lot about soft skills. It is often these soft skills God wants us to develop and use the most. 

Here are but a few to develop and use in midlife in ways that will touch the world around you: 

1. Develop your character

2. Develop patience

3. Show compassion

4. Show you care

5. Make ethical choices

6. Respect the environment

7. Show empathy and support to others

8. Do all you do as until the Lord

9. Be a generous giver

10. Forgive quickly

11. Develop your skills and talents

12. Live a moral life

13. Set strong boundaries

14. Be a Christian role model

15. Stay strong in your faith

16. Let yourself have fun

17. 
    

Midlife Blog Reboot

Several years ago now, mid-2000s, I came upon the career and calling called Life Coaching. I was clearly in midlife at the time and so desperate for something new and inspiring.

As a Christian woman, I saw how adding in Christian values could make the coaching process so much more successful for anyone being coached. I was ecstatic that I'd finally found 'my thing'. And so I paid the tuition to enrol in the training, went through extensive coaching for myself, carried out required probono work to become certified, and then coached many clients across North America by telephone. 

But my midlife angst wasn't satisfied. In between clients, there was nothing to do. So I went out and found a job in an office--something I'd done before leaving the workforce to raise my children. 

I had always promised myself to return to the workforce. I missed it. Prior to having children, I could think of no other life. But finding my way back was hard. I applied to umpteen jobs, which of course meant umpteen rejections. I had several interviews, and was smacked in the face at what I hoped to hide but couldn't--that I'd been out of the workforce for at least 10 years by then. 

Ageism is real. I was in my mid-forties. One employer rudely joked that my experience was 10-years old. But he offered me the position anyway--for low pay--lower than the minimum wage here in Canada, and I took it. 

And I saw how in a mere 10-years things had changed. I'd stayed updated on Microsoft products and my typing speed was still very high, but it was the way business was done that was disappointing. No one talked to each other. People dressed casually--something I didn't know how to do. And most employees kept their offices paperless. 

Added to these changes, I was expected to learn a complicated accounting system, answer incoming calls, draft legal documents, and make outgoing accounts receivable calls. All for $10 an hour - a third of what I was paid before leaving the workforce. 

For a short time, I had new self-esteem. I can't pinpoint why exactly apart from getting a paycheck finally and getting out of the house. But my hours were within the children's school day hours and they'd never see me leave for work or come home. Neither would my husband, so even my own family didn't cheer me on as I'd hoped. 

I wanted to make it work and took notebooks home to try to understand the complex system. But I suffered with stress headaches and felt confused. And then I quit. 

Art Doodle by Rosalie Garde

Once I returned to the homefront, when I couldn't obtain another part-time job, I took on several work-from-home jobs and volunteer roles, and finally became a freelance writer--a dream I had since in my twenties. 

And for what I might do with my coach training and ministry focus, it made sense to combine my love of writing with life coaching. But I would not coach clients one-on-one, instead, I would make and sell self-coaching tools--ebooks, if you will, where a woman could prompt herself, go on her own journey, gain insight, and grow out of her rut.  

Life Coaching is a tool many women 
use today to gain 
direction, support, and accountability, 
so  they can move forward. 

Art table, Rosalie Garde

And then I had an epiphany about midlife in my late 40s. I was in a long period of perimenopause and all its challenges. I became severely depressed, isolated, lonely, and lacking stimulation. I googled the term 'midlife crisis' and my eyes were opened. But I saw a glaring gap in writings for Christian women facing a midlife crisis. Sometimes, knowing Jesus is not enough!

I desperately wanted answers for how to get out of my rut and wanted a Christian point of view. 

God knew about my struggles but I needed more help. I finally was brave enough to tell my family doctor I was depressed. And with the medication she prescribed required I sign on with a mental health therapist. 

Part of my epiphany was that perhaps many of the women I had coached had been in a midlife crisis too. And, for me, putting a label on the problem helped. 

So, with more research and revelation, I wrote a self-coaching tool with them in mind. 

16 Essential Steps to Help You Walk Through Your Midlife Crisis: A Self-Coaching Tool for Midlife Christian Women (Self-Coaching Tools for Midlife Christian Women Book 

Fast Forward 

I started this blog way back then too but eventually grew bored especially once I moved beyond midlife. 

From 2021 until recently, I was involved in another special project. It was engrossing and exciting. The work was confidential so I can't share about it. And now that project is being put to rest, and here I am again wondering about my next step. 

I haven't quite heard from God about the full plan of what I'll do now that I'm semi-retired from my work-from-home projects, but I have decided to put my former blog posts into draft with the intention that I'll write fresh posts or rewrite those I still agree with. 

The first old post I decided to review had this list of possible topics that I may cover going forward.

          

POSSIBLE TOPICS:

• Enjoying the Present and Finding Purpose

• Thriving as a Stay-at-Home Mom or Homemaker

• Seasons of a Woman's Life

• From Motherhood to Menopause

• Managing Wellness

• Mid-Life Challenges

• Moving Forward on Dreams and Goals 

• Removing the Clutter from your Mind or Even Your Home

• Strongholds, Wrong Beliefs, and God's Input
  
  
  

I hope you will join with me on this next phase of my journey whether you're in midlife, having a midlife crisis, having a great life you want to tweak, or if you are now beyond the midlife age as I am. 

I have a lot to write about!