Making Sense of Your Midlife Crisis

Artwork by Rosalie Garde

It is a bit overcast here - damp and cool, so I thought I'd revisit this blog and head out to the garden later when the sun comes out. 

I saw a post recently on Bluesky where a male life coach is coaching a male on his midlife crisis. This crisis time seems to affect men and women. Some of the reasons are similar, and many are different. No two midlife crises are the same or handled similarly. 

Far too many individuals make drastic changes to their lives in an attempt to solve their crisis. My take on midlife crisis is that it is better to walk through it contemplatively, not try to solve it with quick maneuvers. 

Artwork by Rosalie Garde

1. A Process, Not a Problem to Eliminate

“Walking through a midlife crisis” means recognizing that midlife crisis is not a disease with a quick solution. Rather, this feeling of boredom, discontent, or a strong craving for life changes is a natural developmental stage. Handled correctly, it involves a period of questioning, re-evaluation, and recognizing small changes to make. 

This midlife phase may invoke strong feelings such as grief, worry, or fear. Depression may appear. 

The aim isn’t to erase the feelings, but to experience them consciously. 

Having a coach or counsellor to walk through it with you, will be extremely helpful. 

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2. Allowing Emotional Upheaval

The crisis often points to areas of life that need attention: values, purpose, relationships, health, or identity. The problem is, you can know you need attention in all of these areas, but not know how to tackle them. That was my dilemma. 

I thought if I just had a job again (after being an at-home mom for years), that I would feel normal and happy again. So I spent hours searching the job boards. I applied to many, and received rejection after rejection which led to self-pity and more questioning. 

I think what I really wanted wasn't a job, but all the things a job brings: identity, self-esteem, validation, peers, a sense of order to life. But it seems God had called me to a different sort of life--one that didn't make sense--one that lacked the things my soul now craved.  

I had seen the benefits in being there for my family, but we are multi-facetted people. Being an at-home mom didn't reflect all of who I was. During my midlife crisis, it was easy to recite my life lows. 

By then, my children were independent. I wasn't needed to be on the spot all the time. When I learned about the life coaching course with a Christian perspective, I was ecstatic. It felt like an exciting new calling. I took the courses and became certified to coach women. But within no time, I plummeted again. In between consultations and coaching clients, all the same boredom remained. 

I looked for part-time work that would suit my family schedule, but met with rejection after rejection to applications. I fell into self-pity. I wondered: As a Christ follower, surely he could find the right niche for me, could he not?

Yes, I walked through discomfort. 

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3. Allowing Growth Through Support

During my period of crisis, I felt lost. I became depressed. Social isolation did not help. But I didn't have answers. I didn't have many close friends at the time whom I could count on. 

So, with the suggestion of my doctor, I hired the services of a counsellor. I used the online email model through my husband's employment package. (They had no in-person local counsellor available.) 

I'd describe the sessions with my counsellor as one of being able to flush a lot of junk (feelings) out of my system. It had built up too long. And this was something I had needed. 

Did the sessions cure my crisis? No. I also started taking anti-depressants. I continued to look after my family and home. I continued walking my dog. I read the replies from my counsellor and thought deeply about them. 

Finding an ally was helpful. 

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4. Staying Present Rather Than Escaping

Walking through a midlife crisis suggests staying present in the journey rather than numbing, distracting, or making impulsive changes to “get rid of it.” 

I didn't stay frozen; I continued to make what my coaching instructor had taught me--'low cost probes'. I had always wanted to be a paid writer. I knew that from a young age. And now, with the Internet, there were ways to actually do that. 

So I searched for opportunities, and I found them. I found work as a paid freelance web content writer, and was able to work from home for many years as a writer. 

I also advertised myself as a proofreader, editor, and ghost writer. I later took on at-home transcription work to fill the gaps and add to my pay. And I wrote my own books and self-published them on Amazon. 

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5. Transformation on the Other Side

By walking through my crisis, I arrived at the other side with greater self-knowledge, resilience, and alignment. 

No, not all my problems were solved, but I was on my way to cultivating a much more fulfilling second half of life. 

If you try to “cure” your midlife crisis by taking drastic steps, you may end up regretting your choices. 

Within a midlife crisis are signals calling for change. When you sense them, write them down. Pray them to God. Take small steps of investigation. Take brave steps with a willingness and permission to change course if it doesn't feel right.  

My suggestion is you embrace your midlife crisis as a passage to walk through rather than a problem to eradicate.

Are You in the Midst of a Midlife Crisis? What Can you Do?

It's been awhile since I've written on midlife issues. But a new batch of women are now in midlife!

I have insight and knowledge so thought I should add a few more blog posts on the midlife topic. I don't need to know the reasons for doing so. I love writing, and if what I share speaks to even one woman, I've met a goal. 

Just today, I happened upon a story of a midlife woman that disappeared several years ago and was found deceased. Her husband said that just prior to her death she had changed. She was going out a lot. She was drinking more than usual. In the article, her husband said he thought she might be going through a midlife crisis.  

The husband was charged and found not guilty. They still don't know what happened to her. 

What I can agree with is that as a woman goes through perimenopause, her mental health can be compromised. There is even a window of vulnerability for women to be diagnosed with Schizophrenia, a serious mental health condition that affects how people think, feel, and behave.

Yes, many women fall into a phase one might describe as a midlife crisis. Typically, she feels bored, stuck in a rut, she craves more excitment in her life, she grieves the past and the younger woman she once was. 

Each woman who finds themselves in this precarious situation handles her journey in her own way. Some make radical changes (which I don't advise.) But no one wants a woman to end up dead as the woman in the story above did. 

My Journey

Here is a bit of my story: 

Tossing and turning were yielding nothing. Sleep had evaded me once again, and troubled feelings were stirring. So I carefully reached for my fluffy robe and slid out of bed as quietly as I could. My husband slept soundly as I tiptoed out the door and down the stairs in the dim light to the lower level office.

The brightness of the computer screen was blinding in the darkened room. Two-thirty was the time on the clock when I began my web search for answers for my chaotic feelings, and 4:30 was the time when I returned to bed and finally fell asleep.

For that two hours, I sat, in the quiet of the night, typing various combinations of words into the Google search bar. One phrase I typed in was one that I'd heard a lot but surely didn't think fit me, after all, I wasn't looking for a younger man or wanting to buy a sportscar (you know the old cliche?)

There I sat though, and typed the words:

"m-i-d-l-i-f-e   c-r-i-s-i-s".

WAS I HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS?

After reading a few of the descriptions for midlife crisis over several websites, I found a few points that resonated with me. One in particular convinced me that, yes indeed, what I was feeling had been experienced by other women my age (50 at the time). I realized right then that I must be in a similar state.

I wondered, "What if, in fact I was having a midlife crisis, would I find answers to help me eventually feel better? Or, would I be stuck feeling lost forever?"

I'd been experiencing feelings of panic and sadness off and on for some time by then, and insomnia had been regularly creeping in. A reocurring theme was that I felt constrained, stuck, craving change but not knowing what that change should be. Each time those troubling feelings arrived, I hated them.

Now that I'd somewhat diagnosed the condition, I wondered if I really had what would be needed to walk through the associated symptoms. I wondered if I would be capable of finding the answers I needed to be happy and balanced again.  I wondered if I would ever reach the other side of it all. I wondered what step I should take to help me move forward.

POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS FOR MIDLIFE CRISIS

At that time, I looked for solutions for my midlife crisis in all kinds of places. Of course, as a Christian, I prayed and sought out as much Christian-based material as I could that might put me on a course.

I know now that a midlife crisis isn't something a woman 'solves'. It is a journey to be walked through. For me, it took an incredible amount of introspection. It took bravery to talk to my physician to see if hormonal changes or depression were the issue. Both were. But my doctor chose to treat the depression saying hormone therapy wouldn't improve my mood. 

She wanted a commitment from me, though. She wanted me to go to a mental health therapist in tangent with taking the new anti-depressant. 

I folded the handwritten note she gave me and tucked it into my purse. On it was the name of a therapist she highly recommended. And, the next step on my journey was to book an appointment for the therapist and another to return to the doctor three months later.

But I soon met with more frustration. My period bleeding was going gangbusters. My depression was constnat. And the therapist was fully booked for several months with no openings to see me. The only thing I could do in that moment was cry. And crying led to headaches and more grief. 

My husband was concerned and comforting. He handed me a pamphlet he'd received in his work medical plan packet. It explained the process for working with an Employee Assistance Plan counsellor. EAP is a confidential program that provides aid and support to individuals facing personal or work-related problems. As a spouse on the plan, I could choose counselling by telephone or email which I saw was better than nothing at all. And confidential it was. I was given a code name for signing in on the therapist's platform so that no one else could read my messages. 

I would have preferred to see someone in person, but this was the first time I'd be going for therapy. I didn't want to go to just anyone. So in my inquiry, I asked if there were any Christian therapists I could use. 

I got my referall and decided to try the email counselling, and in a series of emails, poured out my heart. I shared with her what I'd tried to date. I shared my disapointments with finding work. I shared my disappointments about my life coaching practice not blossoming. I shared about the mood swings I was having related to periods--a new type of depression which I attributed to perimenopause. I shared about my fear of my children growing up. I loved them so much I couldn't picture a world without them in it. 

It was good to be validated and reassured. The therapist gave me hope for the future. I felt heard. And, in time, the anti-depressant kicked in. 

My problems of rising and falling moods, nightsweats, heavy periods, and so on, didn't instantly vanish.  But the anti-depressant helped. I wasn't given the complete picture of what God wanted next for in midlife. But I was comforted and strengthened to have a coach to work through many issues with. 

Dealing with troubling feelings and not knowing where to find answers can provoke a lot of fear in a woman. Some women make wrong turns during their midlife crisis. Some give up their marriage. Some quit their jobs. Some blame their family or husband for their unhappiness. For myself, it was key to deal with the depression, and then to have my thinking challenged with therapy and later the help of a Christian life coach.